Captain Planet

Captain Planet was a popular guy back in my day. I never knew why. I mean, I'm for conserving the environment and all, but having a superhero for it? That's pretty lame. That's like making Smokey the Bear maul little kids who drop soda cans on the ground. No, wait--that actually sounds pretty awesome.

Anyway, Captain Planet was a huge fucking dork. He didn't do jack shit. He was a bluish-green pedophile who gathered five teenagers from five different continents (totally fucking over Australia and Antartica, by the way) and made them do his dirty work--that is, until the loser kids couldn't beat the bad guys, in which case they'd combine their "powers" and Captain Planet would show up.

But when Captain Planet showed up, he didn't do anything. He just kind of flew around and *poof* everything was all better. He had no specific powers, nothing. He just kind of vaguely helped save the environment from random Republicans.

And I haven't even gotten to the worst part of the show yet--this show is racist and stereotypical. The American character, representing fire--a harsh, oppressive element--was red-headed. Come on now. Give the poor fire-crotch a break here. He was also a skirt-chasing moron, exploiting further the stereotype that Americans are indulgent and ignorant.

The European girl sported a Scandinavian accent, and what do you know? Blonde hair to go along with it. She was also very hot. While this may be a positive stereotype, it's a stereotype nonetheless, kind of like how all Asians are good at math. How do you think the Asians who suck at math feel? What about the black guys with average-sized penises? When expectations are high and people fall short, it's not really their fault, but they're held to those expectations. It's a good thing we Irish have no positive stereotypes.

And finally, the worst character on the show--the South American boy. He represented the element of heart. When the kids combined their powers, they called them out--Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, Heart--and short sequences would be shown as they did so. Earth showed an earthquake, Fire a blazing flame, Wind a strong gale-force tempest, and Water a tidal wave. But what did Heart have? A BUNCH OF DANCING MONKEYS. What the fuck? I mean, what could the poor South American boy do? What are a bunch of dancing monkeys going to do to save the environment? Cover the culprits in shit?

Captain America was a sham. It even failed in its shallow attempt to get kids to conserve the environment. What's the message of this show? I'll make a short list of the morals I learned from Captain Planet.

1) Only bad people pollute. That soda can you dropped on the ground back in 4th grade? Yeah, you're going to hell for it, you son of a bitch.

2) Polluters all drive high-tech vehicles like hoverboats and military hummers. If you want cool shit, all you have to do is dump lots of crap into rivers and forests.

3) Pollute all you want, because even if you do, some blue freak and a bunch of loser hippies from different continents will clean it up for you.

4) "Hero" and "zero" rhyme.

Now, according to www.thefacebook.com, Captain Planet is also a student at Penn State majoring in Environmental Resource Management and Criminal Justice. He also has well over 2000 friends at Penn State, as well as many friends at other schools across the country. Here's a message to all you "friends" of Captain Planet: he is NOT your friend. He is a pervert and a blue-green loser with no special powers except a half-assed flat-top mullet. Do not join his cult of multi-cultural teenagers with stupid rings.