Optimism

My mom rudely interrupted my self-loathing.

"Kevin," she said in that tone I knew meant I had to do something I didn't want to do. "I need you to mop the kitchen floor." I hate when I'm right.

"Okay," I resigned, and rolled off my bed as slowly as possible.

"And this room needs to be cleaned," she added before walking out the door.

Making sure she was gone, I rolled back onto the bed and groaned.

***

I've always been an optimistic person. No matter how crappy things are going, I always find the silver lining. If I can't find a silver lining, I look to the future for one. For the first time in my life, I couldn't find one in the future. I thought about the prospect of suicide. Generally I can find a reason not to commit it, like "What about my family and friends?" For some reason I just didn't care. That reason didn't do it for me.

The one that always does it for me is having children. It's all I've ever wanted. I've known for as long as I can remember that the day I have my first child will be the happiest day of my life. This is what keeps me optimistic, more than anything else.

I don't know if it will ever happen. It's not that I'm incapable of attracting a suitable wife to have kids with or anything. I've just stopped caring enough to try to find one. That's why I don't know if it will ever happen. I don't know when I'll ever care enough again.

The reason I passed on suicide is that I realized, even though I don't see any hope for the future doesn't mean there isn't any. I'm sure it's there somewhere. I think that's the optimist in me again. Even when I feel suicidal and I can't find any hope, I'm sure it's still out there.