Jerry Bruckheimer Is A Bad Person
Every week, millions of Americans tune in to watch the CBS police drama CSI as well as its spin-offs CSI: New York, and CSI: Miami. Rumor has it they are working on another one that takes place in the Middle East--
Investigator 1: The body was found under a bunch of rubble.
Investigator 2: But there's no building around here--where'd it all come from?
*commercial*
Forensics Expert: *jargon jargon jargon*
Investigator 1: *explains jargon to the audience even though both investigators and the forensics expert know what they're talking about*
Forensics Expert: His head is bruised from the rubble and his hair is singed here, indicating that there was an explosion nearby.
Investigator 2: But where would it have come from?
*commercial*
Investigator 1 (on cell phone): Investigator 2, you'll never believe this--we found another one.
Investigator 2: You've got to be kidding.
Investigator 1: No. Same bruises, same singed hair, everything.
Investigator 2: I'll be over there right away.
*commercial*
Boss: Hey, I'm a jerk. You guys suck at your job. Get back to work. You make me sick.
Investigator 1: *witty retort*
*commercial*
Investigator 2 (on cell phone): Investigator 1, we just uncovered another 20 with the same marks. What's going on here?
CBS Announcer: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's CSI: Suicide Bombing.
And that's the episode. The dialogue sounds like it's coming out of The Idiot's Guide to Autopsies. In real life, the characters would know exactly what the other people were talking about, yet in the TV show, they dumb down the conversations so they end up explaining everything they say to the audience. It reads like a 10th grade History essay.
Jerry Bruckheimer is the douchebag responsible for all this. He's one of the most successful producers in Hollywood. Every movie he makes is a blockbuster. They also all suck a fat ass. Here are some of his film credits:
Flashdance--not so much a movie as an advertisement for leg warmers and exercise videos
Top Gun--brought us cheesy nicknames, world-record over-acting, and a Kenny Loggins song
Days of Thunder--a movie about NASCAR
Bad Boys--48 Hours, except with two black guys
The Rock--a hallmark Bruckheimer film, since it features two of his favorites--an old, washed-up good actor in an embarrassing role (Sean Connery) and Nicholas Cage
Con Air--features Nicholas Cage and a bunch of really great B-list actors embarrassing themselves
Armageddon--wasn't this called The Rock two years ago? also features some really great B-list actors as well as Bruce Willis in the Sean Connery role
Enemy of the State--another Bruckheimer hallmark--a black comedic actor and an old washed-up actor; in this case, it's Will Smith and Gene Hackman
Gone in Sixty Seconds--wasn't this called Con Air three years ago? featuring Nicholas Cage
Coyote Ugly--wasn't this called Flashdance 17 years ago?
Remember the Titans--"football" movie featuring nothing that would ever happen on a football field
Pearl Harbor--Titanic without the plot
Black Hawk Down--Pearl Harbor with more than one explosion
Bad Company--see Enemy of the State, replace with Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins
Kangaroo Jack--no comment needed
Bad Boys II--caricature of the first one, which was a caricature in itself
King Arthur--"Hey, Lord of the Rings is kicking our asses. Let's fire back except when we make the movie, we'll just make up stuff that wasn't in the original story."
National Treasure--see Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, the Rock, et. al.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Hey, I liked [insert movie(s) here]," in which case you were either a teenager when you first saw it, or you're a sucker. It's okay, lots of people are suckers. These movies all made much more money than they deserved to, swindling people out of their hard-earned money in exchange for a two-hour intelligence nap. Some people need that. Personally, when I throw down 10 bucks to sit and stare at a screen, I welcome a challenge.
Anybody could make those movies with the budget Bruckheimer has. Throw in some explosions, some cheesy dialogue, and sign some big-name actors, and bam--blockbuster hit of the summer. He honestly has made maybe three movies in his life, and the rest are variations on those formulas. Just look at the basic plot outlines--they're all the same.
This pisses me off more than bad music. At least "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls is catchy. It's mindless, terrible, and makes me feel like taking a sledgehammer to the radio, but it's catchy. Nobody's going to say "Don't Cha" is the best song of the year. Nobody. Seriously, if you hear anyone say this, tell me and I will stab them in the ears with the shards of a broken Get Rich or Die Trying. In the same vein, no one should be saying that CSI is the best show on TV or that National Treasure was a great movie. Everytime you praise a Bruckheimer production, you lose a brain cell. It's sort of like when you get drunk. You lose brain cells. Thus, the only way you should enjoy a Bruckheimer film is if you're completely wasted. For your benefit, don't attempt it sober. It's far too painful.
Investigator 1: The body was found under a bunch of rubble.
Investigator 2: But there's no building around here--where'd it all come from?
*commercial*
Forensics Expert: *jargon jargon jargon*
Investigator 1: *explains jargon to the audience even though both investigators and the forensics expert know what they're talking about*
Forensics Expert: His head is bruised from the rubble and his hair is singed here, indicating that there was an explosion nearby.
Investigator 2: But where would it have come from?
*commercial*
Investigator 1 (on cell phone): Investigator 2, you'll never believe this--we found another one.
Investigator 2: You've got to be kidding.
Investigator 1: No. Same bruises, same singed hair, everything.
Investigator 2: I'll be over there right away.
*commercial*
Boss: Hey, I'm a jerk. You guys suck at your job. Get back to work. You make me sick.
Investigator 1: *witty retort*
*commercial*
Investigator 2 (on cell phone): Investigator 1, we just uncovered another 20 with the same marks. What's going on here?
CBS Announcer: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's CSI: Suicide Bombing.
And that's the episode. The dialogue sounds like it's coming out of The Idiot's Guide to Autopsies. In real life, the characters would know exactly what the other people were talking about, yet in the TV show, they dumb down the conversations so they end up explaining everything they say to the audience. It reads like a 10th grade History essay.
Jerry Bruckheimer is the douchebag responsible for all this. He's one of the most successful producers in Hollywood. Every movie he makes is a blockbuster. They also all suck a fat ass. Here are some of his film credits:
Flashdance--not so much a movie as an advertisement for leg warmers and exercise videos
Top Gun--brought us cheesy nicknames, world-record over-acting, and a Kenny Loggins song
Days of Thunder--a movie about NASCAR
Bad Boys--48 Hours, except with two black guys
The Rock--a hallmark Bruckheimer film, since it features two of his favorites--an old, washed-up good actor in an embarrassing role (Sean Connery) and Nicholas Cage
Con Air--features Nicholas Cage and a bunch of really great B-list actors embarrassing themselves
Armageddon--wasn't this called The Rock two years ago? also features some really great B-list actors as well as Bruce Willis in the Sean Connery role
Enemy of the State--another Bruckheimer hallmark--a black comedic actor and an old washed-up actor; in this case, it's Will Smith and Gene Hackman
Gone in Sixty Seconds--wasn't this called Con Air three years ago? featuring Nicholas Cage
Coyote Ugly--wasn't this called Flashdance 17 years ago?
Remember the Titans--"football" movie featuring nothing that would ever happen on a football field
Pearl Harbor--Titanic without the plot
Black Hawk Down--Pearl Harbor with more than one explosion
Bad Company--see Enemy of the State, replace with Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins
Kangaroo Jack--no comment needed
Bad Boys II--caricature of the first one, which was a caricature in itself
King Arthur--"Hey, Lord of the Rings is kicking our asses. Let's fire back except when we make the movie, we'll just make up stuff that wasn't in the original story."
National Treasure--see Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, the Rock, et. al.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Hey, I liked [insert movie(s) here]," in which case you were either a teenager when you first saw it, or you're a sucker. It's okay, lots of people are suckers. These movies all made much more money than they deserved to, swindling people out of their hard-earned money in exchange for a two-hour intelligence nap. Some people need that. Personally, when I throw down 10 bucks to sit and stare at a screen, I welcome a challenge.
Anybody could make those movies with the budget Bruckheimer has. Throw in some explosions, some cheesy dialogue, and sign some big-name actors, and bam--blockbuster hit of the summer. He honestly has made maybe three movies in his life, and the rest are variations on those formulas. Just look at the basic plot outlines--they're all the same.
This pisses me off more than bad music. At least "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls is catchy. It's mindless, terrible, and makes me feel like taking a sledgehammer to the radio, but it's catchy. Nobody's going to say "Don't Cha" is the best song of the year. Nobody. Seriously, if you hear anyone say this, tell me and I will stab them in the ears with the shards of a broken Get Rich or Die Trying. In the same vein, no one should be saying that CSI is the best show on TV or that National Treasure was a great movie. Everytime you praise a Bruckheimer production, you lose a brain cell. It's sort of like when you get drunk. You lose brain cells. Thus, the only way you should enjoy a Bruckheimer film is if you're completely wasted. For your benefit, don't attempt it sober. It's far too painful.
posted by Kevin A. Doran at 10:13 PM
1 Comments:
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