Christmas Wish List, Donald Trump Edition
Okay, I know it's a little late, but I'm making my Christmas list. Here are all the gifts I would like in a dream world, expensive or priceless.
Segway Human Transporter p Series
Price: $3,995.95
This thing tops out at 10 MPH on flat land. But most importantly, I'd look like a huge nerd while riding it. It would also be the laziest thing I've ever owned. Come on, people. 10 MPH? Just go for a damn walk.
Horizon T53 Treadmill
Price: $799.99
I despise running. I used to dread going to the track with my dad. What's the interest in running around in circles for a half hour? I could be watching Full House, for chris'sakes.
However, I have this weird infatuation with treadmills. Plop one in front of the TV set, run in place at a pre-determined speed, and drink a beer while you do it, all in a climate-controlled area. That's the life.
Flybar Model 1200
Price: $299.99
This is a pogo stick. Who would buy a pogo stick for 300 bucks, you ask? Me, that's who. I'm the type of person who would say "Screw groceries for the next [n] weeks, I'm buying a fucking pogo stick." You may think I'm nuts, but check out these slick features:
Feature two: 5 FEET IN THE AIR. I could be the first Doran to dunk a basketball.
Feature three: I don't know what that means, but it sounds pretty badass, if you ask me.
Feature four: Powered solely by leg strength and body weight. Time to pack on 10 pounds so I can get closer to the 250 pound weight limit, if you ask me.
Feature five: I love trampolines! And no high-impact jumping? Thank god, finally a pogo stick that suits my needs and wants.
The Economist
Because only rich people read The Economist. Sounds like a great investment, if you ask me.
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Price: $124.00
The complete works of my two favorite philosophers. I wish Bill Watterson had faded away instead of burning out. I would read these from cover to cover, uninterrupted, from the very moment I got them. Then I'd eat a sandwich and do it again.
Whatever: The '90s Pop and Culture Box
Because I don't want to buy albums by M.C. Hammer, Matthew Sweet, House of Pain, Tag Team, Better Than Ezra, Deep Blue Something, or Meredith Brooks, but I do want to hear "U Can't Touch This," "Girlfriend," "Jump Around," "Whoomp! (There It Is)," "Good," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and "Bitch" whenever I damn well please.
Alfred Hitchcock - The Masterpiece Collection
Price: $89.99
It would be nice to watch these all in a row, then lock myself in a windowless room for fear of living anymore. The man was a genius. Psycho, Rear Window, The Birds, and Vertigo alone make this well worth the 90 bucks. The other nine films are a welcome bonus.
Comfort Products 60-1180X 5 Motor Leather Executive Massage Chair, Black
Cindy, could you cancel my 10:00?
Sony MDR-NC6 Noise-Canceling Headphones
Price: $39.99
Because I like to live in peace when I'm listening to "Immigrant Song" on full blast, thank you very much. Because I want to hear Jimi Hendrix's fingers move along the fretboard. Because I want Freddy Mercury to tickle my eardrums.
This hat:
Price: Unkown
Available through http://www.amazingstore.jp/
If I knew how to read Japanese, I'd have one already.
This eBay auction:
As I type this, the auction is at 200 bucks. That's not nearly enough, in my opinion.
Some people like action figures as collectibles. Not me. You can bet I would be kicking some major Foot shell with the Turtles, as well as Casey Jones and the rest of the good guys. Look at all those Foot clan members. I only had one. I dreamed of an entire Foot clan for so long. Ah, memories.
Batman Underoos
Price: Unknown
Young Kevin: Na na na na na na na na (gasp) na na na na na na na na (gasp) Bat-man!
I talked really slow. My parents thought I might have had a learning disability. Then I aced every test in the first and second grade.
Proton Gun:
Another eBay find. I couldn't find the trap (which I know I used to have, for a very long time) or the actual proton pack, but I'd add those to the list too.
Dave Meggett's Super Bowl XXV Ring
Price: $30,000.00 to 60,000
Meggett must need some quick cash. I don't know why some rich Giants fan hasn't bought this yet. If it were an Eagles one, I'd be fundraising as we speak. Then again, if it were an Eagles one, I'd know it was a fake.
And that's my list for this Christmas. I'll be awaiting my gifts eagerly.
Segway Human Transporter p Series
Price: $3,995.95
This thing tops out at 10 MPH on flat land. But most importantly, I'd look like a huge nerd while riding it. It would also be the laziest thing I've ever owned. Come on, people. 10 MPH? Just go for a damn walk.
Horizon T53 Treadmill
Price: $799.99
I despise running. I used to dread going to the track with my dad. What's the interest in running around in circles for a half hour? I could be watching Full House, for chris'sakes.
However, I have this weird infatuation with treadmills. Plop one in front of the TV set, run in place at a pre-determined speed, and drink a beer while you do it, all in a climate-controlled area. That's the life.
Flybar Model 1200
Price: $299.99
This is a pogo stick. Who would buy a pogo stick for 300 bucks, you ask? Me, that's who. I'm the type of person who would say "Screw groceries for the next [n] weeks, I'm buying a fucking pogo stick." You may think I'm nuts, but check out these slick features:
- Appropriate for ages 14 and up--supports rider weight from 120 to 250 pounds
- Elevation potential of over 5 feet--dramatically greater than any pogo on the market
- Based on a one-of-a-kind, patented, fully adjustable elastomeric spring system
- Powered solely by leg strength and body weight--no pneumatic or artificial propulsion mechanisms
- Feels like bouncing on a trampoline--no high-impact jumping
Feature two: 5 FEET IN THE AIR. I could be the first Doran to dunk a basketball.
Feature three: I don't know what that means, but it sounds pretty badass, if you ask me.
Feature four: Powered solely by leg strength and body weight. Time to pack on 10 pounds so I can get closer to the 250 pound weight limit, if you ask me.
Feature five: I love trampolines! And no high-impact jumping? Thank god, finally a pogo stick that suits my needs and wants.
The Economist
| Price: | $129.00 |
Because only rich people read The Economist. Sounds like a great investment, if you ask me.
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Price: $124.00
The complete works of my two favorite philosophers. I wish Bill Watterson had faded away instead of burning out. I would read these from cover to cover, uninterrupted, from the very moment I got them. Then I'd eat a sandwich and do it again.
Whatever: The '90s Pop and Culture Box
| Price: | $95.49 |
Because I don't want to buy albums by M.C. Hammer, Matthew Sweet, House of Pain, Tag Team, Better Than Ezra, Deep Blue Something, or Meredith Brooks, but I do want to hear "U Can't Touch This," "Girlfriend," "Jump Around," "Whoomp! (There It Is)," "Good," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and "Bitch" whenever I damn well please.
Alfred Hitchcock - The Masterpiece Collection
Price: $89.99
It would be nice to watch these all in a row, then lock myself in a windowless room for fear of living anymore. The man was a genius. Psycho, Rear Window, The Birds, and Vertigo alone make this well worth the 90 bucks. The other nine films are a welcome bonus.
Comfort Products 60-1180X 5 Motor Leather Executive Massage Chair, Black
| Price: | $99.49 |
Cindy, could you cancel my 10:00?
Sony MDR-NC6 Noise-Canceling Headphones
Price: $39.99
Because I like to live in peace when I'm listening to "Immigrant Song" on full blast, thank you very much. Because I want to hear Jimi Hendrix's fingers move along the fretboard. Because I want Freddy Mercury to tickle my eardrums.
This hat:
Price: Unkown
Available through http://www.amazingstore.jp/
If I knew how to read Japanese, I'd have one already.
This eBay auction:
As I type this, the auction is at 200 bucks. That's not nearly enough, in my opinion.
Some people like action figures as collectibles. Not me. You can bet I would be kicking some major Foot shell with the Turtles, as well as Casey Jones and the rest of the good guys. Look at all those Foot clan members. I only had one. I dreamed of an entire Foot clan for so long. Ah, memories.
Batman Underoos
Price: Unknown
Young Kevin: Na na na na na na na na (gasp) na na na na na na na na (gasp) Bat-man!
I talked really slow. My parents thought I might have had a learning disability. Then I aced every test in the first and second grade.
Proton Gun:
Another eBay find. I couldn't find the trap (which I know I used to have, for a very long time) or the actual proton pack, but I'd add those to the list too.
Dave Meggett's Super Bowl XXV Ring
Price: $30,000.00 to 60,000
Meggett must need some quick cash. I don't know why some rich Giants fan hasn't bought this yet. If it were an Eagles one, I'd be fundraising as we speak. Then again, if it were an Eagles one, I'd know it was a fake.
And that's my list for this Christmas. I'll be awaiting my gifts eagerly.
posted by Kevin A. Doran at 6:33 PM
1 Comments:
my favorites were the Alfred Hitcock and 90's thing
sweet
- megan
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