Steelers Win One For Thumb; Search For Other Appendages Begins

[I wrote this for Phroth, and due to its lack of timeliness, it's not going to be published. And Murph said this blog was in need of an update, and I agree. So here you go. I have other stuff already written that's coming soon, but it's lengthy and I figured this would tide my hypothetical readers over.]


Now that the Pittsburgh Steelers have won their fifth Super Bowl, they have finally run out of room for all their rings.

“I think the feeling within the team is that we’re going to move onto the other hand, finally,” said Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. “We plan to win one for the other ring finger first, and then maybe move onto the middle finger.”

Ben Roethlisberger seemed confused by the idea.

“I actually only own one Super Bowl ring, so I think I’ll wear it on my ring finger,” Roethlisberger said. “If we win another one, I guess I’ll put it on my other ring finger. That’s where I generally wear rings.”

Steelers chairman Dan Rooney is actually the only member of the Steelers organization who has all five Super Bowl rings. He said that he usually only wears one at a time, if at all.

“Most of the time I keep them at home in a trophy case,” Rooney said. “Sometimes if I go out drinking with Terry Bradshaw, I’ll wear one from the late ‘70s. I’m probably going to stop, though, because last time I accidentally swallowed it doing a beer bong.”

Championship ring enthusiast Phil Jackson, coach of the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers, is not impressed with Rooney’s collection of rings.

“Call me when he gets a Super Bowl cock ring,” Jackson said before hanging up abruptly.

When asked to comment on Jackson’s challenge, Rooney angrily announced that he had petitioned the NFL to sign its next ring contract with Pittsburgh’s own S&M Jewelers.