World Baseball Classic
Major League Baseball is trying to start baseball's version of the World Cup this year, and frankly, I couldn't be more excited. I'm a huge fan of international competition in actual sports (sorry, Winter Olympics), so this is right up my alley. I don't even like watching soccer on TV, but if it's the World Cup, I'll watch it. Hell, I even watched the first Women's World Cup final...you know, the one where Brandi Chastain took off her shirt after scoring the game-winning shootout goal. I had a thing for Mia Hamm.
Anywho, back to the point--international competition is always exciting. For the U.S., it's kind of like asserting our status as the greatest country in the world. For the other countries, it's kind of like making the statement that, even though they can't compete with us economically or politically, they can still pull off an upset athletically. And I have a natural disposition towards the underdog, so when I'm disappointed with the U.S. program in a certain sport, it's fun to root against my own country (see the 2004 Summer Olympic USA Basketball Team).
The tournament started last night in Japan with a game between South Korea and Chinese Taipei. Korea was the favorite, having a whopping five MLB players on the roster. Taiwan is better known for using ringers in the Little League World Series. Too bad for them, Barry Bonds doesn't look the least bit Asian. Right now I'm watching the second game, between Japan (the favorite in this pool) and China (the underdog). Japan has the most major leaguers of any of the Asian teams, including my favorite baseball player in the world, Ichiro Suzuki. He might be the best pure hitter in baseball history, given the pitching competition he's going against.
I'd like to root for the U.S. the whole way, but truth be told, I genuinely dislike a lot of the players on the U.S. team. Not to mention it would be foolish to root for just one team when every team features something to root for. Let's take a look at the coolest qualities of each team in the WBC.
Australia
Australia has baseball? Could have fooled me. They don't feature a single player whose name I recognize, though according to ESPN.com they have a handful of major leaguers on the team. The only compelling thing about this team is that I just discovered Australia has baseball, though in their variation they probably have full-contact double play break-ups, and you have to chug a Foster's for every base you reach.
Canada
Contrary to popular belief, Canadians play sports other than hockey. In fact, the team does have some good talent, including the only home run derby participant not to hit a homer last year, Jason Bay, as well as 1999 Mullet of the Year winner Matt Stairs, who according to his ESPN.com profile is 5'9" and 215 pounds. Now I don't feel so bad about my weight problem. Canadians are pretty much the most likeable people in the world, so if you can't get excited for a team with guys named Pierre-Luc LaForest and Rheal Cormier, you might want to check your pulse, eh?
China
I've already mentioned these guys, but there are two hilarious things about them. First, among the 30 guys on the roster, there are only 15 different last names. I guess when you have two billion people in your country, you're going to have a shortage of last names, but seriously, China...come on. The other hilarious thing about China is that their manager is Jim Lefebvre. I wonder if Chad Lewis is his bench coach.
Chinese Taipei
Again, there is a severe shortage of last names on this team. But this little fact stumps all the rest: one of the players plays for a team called the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. If that's not intimidation, I don't know what is.
Cuba
I'm rooting for Cuba because they've been unfairly treated by the U.S. in this whole process. George Bush actually tried to get them banned from the competition. Didn't this shit all end when the USSR went down? For Christ's sakes, Cuba's not even a Communist country. They're socialist, which is completely different. Sure, Fidel Castro might be a bastard, but he's also a guy with an intense pride for his nation. Remember when Elian Gonzalez got captured and it was decided that he'd go back to live with his father in Cuba? If it was so bad over there, why wouldn't he be forced to stay? This U.S.-Cuba "rivalry" is so fucking stupid. It stems from a political snafu that only exists because of some overzealous American imperialists in the early 20th century.
[/political rant]
Dominican Republic
The roster hasn't been finalized yet, but how can I root against a team that will likely have Jose "Macho Man" Mesa and Placido "Gazebo" Polanco? The team has had some setbacks with Pedro Martinez and Vladimir Guerrero taking themselves out of the WBC, but overall they have probably the best lineup in the competition. It's probably better than the MLB All-Star teams.
Italy
I feel bad rooting for one of the supreme underdogs of the tournament, but this team has fewer Italians than Chinese Taipei. I think almost every player on the team is an American-born dago who wasn't nearly good enough to make the U.S. team. The most noteworthy defector is Mike Piazza, who was born in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and has likely never stepped foot in Italy.
Japan
Like I said, I have to root for any team with Ichiro Suzuki on it. Also, the manager is Sadaharu Oh, the worldwide home run record-holder with over 800 homers in the Japan League. The team also features a Ham Fighter, as well as a bunch of guys who play for the Yakult Swallows. Me love you long time.
Korea
Korea is really just South Korea, since the only game you're allowed to play in North Korea is a test of endurance called Forty Lashings. The team features former Arizona Diamondback and New York hero Byung-Hung Kim, who gave up walk-off homers in two consecutive games during the 2001 World Series. Everyone on the Korean team has three names. If only the U.S. team were so lucky. I'd look forward to hearing what Coco Crisp's middle name is.
Mexico
Despite what you might think, Mexico doesn't have too many big names on its team. It does have 1998 Mullet of the Year winner Vinny Castilla, though, which is enough for me. It will be interesting to see who prevails in the Mexico-Canada game, which will feature "Immigrant Song" during the seventh-inning stretch.
The Netherlands
I'm hoping the team bursts out of the clubhouse in a giant cloud of smoke, but that could be just me. They only have three major leaguers, but they are Andruw Jones, Calvin Maduro (a former Phillie) and Randall Simon, better known as the guy who hit one of the Sausage Racers in the head with a baseball bat. If marijuana isn't on the banned substances list for the WBC, these guys could make some noise.
Panama
Pan-a-ma-ha-ho-ho-ho-hoooo! Who knew Fatass Bruce Chen wasn't Asian? Not me! Turns out he comes from the place only known for three things: pot, canals, and hats. Perhaps the biggest disappointment here is that no one on the team is named Jack. Nonetheless, Panama just seems like a cool country, and I'm pulling for them.
Puerto Rico
The best part about the WBC, perhaps, is the fact that the players will actually care about winning for once. Thus, we're going to see some competitiveness from Pudge Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran and Jose Cruz, Jr. for the first time since their contract years. The team also has Kiko Calero on the pitching staff, and a guy with a name that cool is reason enough to root for any team. (Another thing: apparently Bernie Williams is Puerto Rican. I think that's kind of like an Irishman named Hans.)
South Africa
The only African team, and probably one of the only teams with no minorities on it. The wonders of apartheid!
United States
Like I said, I hate a lot of the guys on this team. But I love pretty much everything about Chase Utley. He's got passion for the game, one of my favorite swings, and he pulls off the soul patch without looking like a gay. In short, what a hottie.
Venezuela
Finally! Managed by the immortal Luis Sojo, this team's got some talent. They were picked by the ESPN.com "experts" to win the tournament. Most importantly of all, they've got more Phillies than any other team with three (pre-finalization of the roster): Bobby Abreu, Endy Chavez, and Tomas "Simply the Best Bench Player I Have Ever Seen" Perez. Bobby's the only lock to make the team, but I'm sure if Ugie Urbina was able to play, he'd be killer out of the bullpen. I'll pause for laughter. Frankly, I like this team more than any other, mostly because I know the guys will play their hardest. The Venezuelans have a great sense of pride and they may be overlooked since they haven't been a baseball powerhouse for a very long time.
So there are your World Baseball Classic teams. As I type this, Japan and China are headed to the bottom of the 5th and I have only one thing to say: ICHIROOOOOO!!!!
Anywho, back to the point--international competition is always exciting. For the U.S., it's kind of like asserting our status as the greatest country in the world. For the other countries, it's kind of like making the statement that, even though they can't compete with us economically or politically, they can still pull off an upset athletically. And I have a natural disposition towards the underdog, so when I'm disappointed with the U.S. program in a certain sport, it's fun to root against my own country (see the 2004 Summer Olympic USA Basketball Team).
The tournament started last night in Japan with a game between South Korea and Chinese Taipei. Korea was the favorite, having a whopping five MLB players on the roster. Taiwan is better known for using ringers in the Little League World Series. Too bad for them, Barry Bonds doesn't look the least bit Asian. Right now I'm watching the second game, between Japan (the favorite in this pool) and China (the underdog). Japan has the most major leaguers of any of the Asian teams, including my favorite baseball player in the world, Ichiro Suzuki. He might be the best pure hitter in baseball history, given the pitching competition he's going against.
I'd like to root for the U.S. the whole way, but truth be told, I genuinely dislike a lot of the players on the U.S. team. Not to mention it would be foolish to root for just one team when every team features something to root for. Let's take a look at the coolest qualities of each team in the WBC.
Australia
Australia has baseball? Could have fooled me. They don't feature a single player whose name I recognize, though according to ESPN.com they have a handful of major leaguers on the team. The only compelling thing about this team is that I just discovered Australia has baseball, though in their variation they probably have full-contact double play break-ups, and you have to chug a Foster's for every base you reach.
Canada
Contrary to popular belief, Canadians play sports other than hockey. In fact, the team does have some good talent, including the only home run derby participant not to hit a homer last year, Jason Bay, as well as 1999 Mullet of the Year winner Matt Stairs, who according to his ESPN.com profile is 5'9" and 215 pounds. Now I don't feel so bad about my weight problem. Canadians are pretty much the most likeable people in the world, so if you can't get excited for a team with guys named Pierre-Luc LaForest and Rheal Cormier, you might want to check your pulse, eh?
China
I've already mentioned these guys, but there are two hilarious things about them. First, among the 30 guys on the roster, there are only 15 different last names. I guess when you have two billion people in your country, you're going to have a shortage of last names, but seriously, China...come on. The other hilarious thing about China is that their manager is Jim Lefebvre. I wonder if Chad Lewis is his bench coach.
Chinese Taipei
Again, there is a severe shortage of last names on this team. But this little fact stumps all the rest: one of the players plays for a team called the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. If that's not intimidation, I don't know what is.
Cuba
I'm rooting for Cuba because they've been unfairly treated by the U.S. in this whole process. George Bush actually tried to get them banned from the competition. Didn't this shit all end when the USSR went down? For Christ's sakes, Cuba's not even a Communist country. They're socialist, which is completely different. Sure, Fidel Castro might be a bastard, but he's also a guy with an intense pride for his nation. Remember when Elian Gonzalez got captured and it was decided that he'd go back to live with his father in Cuba? If it was so bad over there, why wouldn't he be forced to stay? This U.S.-Cuba "rivalry" is so fucking stupid. It stems from a political snafu that only exists because of some overzealous American imperialists in the early 20th century.
[/political rant]
Dominican Republic
The roster hasn't been finalized yet, but how can I root against a team that will likely have Jose "Macho Man" Mesa and Placido "Gazebo" Polanco? The team has had some setbacks with Pedro Martinez and Vladimir Guerrero taking themselves out of the WBC, but overall they have probably the best lineup in the competition. It's probably better than the MLB All-Star teams.
Italy
I feel bad rooting for one of the supreme underdogs of the tournament, but this team has fewer Italians than Chinese Taipei. I think almost every player on the team is an American-born dago who wasn't nearly good enough to make the U.S. team. The most noteworthy defector is Mike Piazza, who was born in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and has likely never stepped foot in Italy.
Japan
Like I said, I have to root for any team with Ichiro Suzuki on it. Also, the manager is Sadaharu Oh, the worldwide home run record-holder with over 800 homers in the Japan League. The team also features a Ham Fighter, as well as a bunch of guys who play for the Yakult Swallows. Me love you long time.
Korea
Korea is really just South Korea, since the only game you're allowed to play in North Korea is a test of endurance called Forty Lashings. The team features former Arizona Diamondback and New York hero Byung-Hung Kim, who gave up walk-off homers in two consecutive games during the 2001 World Series. Everyone on the Korean team has three names. If only the U.S. team were so lucky. I'd look forward to hearing what Coco Crisp's middle name is.
Mexico
Despite what you might think, Mexico doesn't have too many big names on its team. It does have 1998 Mullet of the Year winner Vinny Castilla, though, which is enough for me. It will be interesting to see who prevails in the Mexico-Canada game, which will feature "Immigrant Song" during the seventh-inning stretch.
The Netherlands
I'm hoping the team bursts out of the clubhouse in a giant cloud of smoke, but that could be just me. They only have three major leaguers, but they are Andruw Jones, Calvin Maduro (a former Phillie) and Randall Simon, better known as the guy who hit one of the Sausage Racers in the head with a baseball bat. If marijuana isn't on the banned substances list for the WBC, these guys could make some noise.
Panama
Pan-a-ma-ha-ho-ho-ho-hoooo! Who knew Fatass Bruce Chen wasn't Asian? Not me! Turns out he comes from the place only known for three things: pot, canals, and hats. Perhaps the biggest disappointment here is that no one on the team is named Jack. Nonetheless, Panama just seems like a cool country, and I'm pulling for them.
Puerto Rico
The best part about the WBC, perhaps, is the fact that the players will actually care about winning for once. Thus, we're going to see some competitiveness from Pudge Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran and Jose Cruz, Jr. for the first time since their contract years. The team also has Kiko Calero on the pitching staff, and a guy with a name that cool is reason enough to root for any team. (Another thing: apparently Bernie Williams is Puerto Rican. I think that's kind of like an Irishman named Hans.)
South Africa
The only African team, and probably one of the only teams with no minorities on it. The wonders of apartheid!
United States
Like I said, I hate a lot of the guys on this team. But I love pretty much everything about Chase Utley. He's got passion for the game, one of my favorite swings, and he pulls off the soul patch without looking like a gay. In short, what a hottie.
Venezuela
Finally! Managed by the immortal Luis Sojo, this team's got some talent. They were picked by the ESPN.com "experts" to win the tournament. Most importantly of all, they've got more Phillies than any other team with three (pre-finalization of the roster): Bobby Abreu, Endy Chavez, and Tomas "Simply the Best Bench Player I Have Ever Seen" Perez. Bobby's the only lock to make the team, but I'm sure if Ugie Urbina was able to play, he'd be killer out of the bullpen. I'll pause for laughter. Frankly, I like this team more than any other, mostly because I know the guys will play their hardest. The Venezuelans have a great sense of pride and they may be overlooked since they haven't been a baseball powerhouse for a very long time.
So there are your World Baseball Classic teams. As I type this, Japan and China are headed to the bottom of the 5th and I have only one thing to say: ICHIROOOOOO!!!!
posted by Kevin A. Doran at 5:13 AM
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