Facebook Has Ruined Me
I'm in love with a 17-year-old soon to be graduating senior in high school. I've never met her, and now she's going to college in New York. This is how Can't Hardly Wait started, right?
For a person as disorganized as I am, I'm very systematic. I do things in segments. I micromanage. I analyze the most efficient way of doing something, and I do it that way. If I'm walking somewhere, I try to walk diagonally as much as possible to save myself mere seconds.
The Internet features lots of methods for systematically matching yourself with a person of the opposite sex. Usually involved in the proceedings are some questions about religion, politics, sense of humor, physical attributes, and so on. They never ask about your favorite bands, which is fucking stupid. The only thing I look for in a woman is how good her taste in music is. I'm dead serious. Must Love Beatles. Must Love Weezer. Must Love Lamp.
Generally, I've found I'm smitten with any girl who can talk to me about music, regardless of what she looks like. Generally, she looks amazing and I want to marry her. Also, she is either a good dancer or doesn't care that she can't dance and dances anyway.
Why is this so damned important? Well, for starters, if you can't talk to me about music or football or baseball, you're going to find me boring. I can ramble about stuff like it ain't no thang, but usually my rambling is a sign that I don't know shit. I talk until I get some look of recognition from my counterpart(s), taking that as a signal that I actually do know what I'm talking about. Then I get out while I can, leaving on a high note.
Secondly, all relationships, romantic or otherwise, are based on communication. If two people can't talk to each other, they're not going to continue that relationship exclusively. Therefore, since my life revolves around music--I relate everything to it--a potential (new) best friend or girlfriend has to know something about it.
Is this shallow? Probably. I don't even know what shallow means, really. If you're not shallow, you have zero standards. I don't get it. People have priorities, things they look for, are attracted to, in another person. Some people go for big tits, I go for music aptitude. Un-shallow people by definition go for living creatures.
I'm shallow, because I'm going for this girl that I've never met with the "Martha My Dear" away message and the Anchorman references in her Facebook profile. Also, she is stunning.
I wonder if she likes brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
For a person as disorganized as I am, I'm very systematic. I do things in segments. I micromanage. I analyze the most efficient way of doing something, and I do it that way. If I'm walking somewhere, I try to walk diagonally as much as possible to save myself mere seconds.
The Internet features lots of methods for systematically matching yourself with a person of the opposite sex. Usually involved in the proceedings are some questions about religion, politics, sense of humor, physical attributes, and so on. They never ask about your favorite bands, which is fucking stupid. The only thing I look for in a woman is how good her taste in music is. I'm dead serious. Must Love Beatles. Must Love Weezer. Must Love Lamp.
Generally, I've found I'm smitten with any girl who can talk to me about music, regardless of what she looks like. Generally, she looks amazing and I want to marry her. Also, she is either a good dancer or doesn't care that she can't dance and dances anyway.
Why is this so damned important? Well, for starters, if you can't talk to me about music or football or baseball, you're going to find me boring. I can ramble about stuff like it ain't no thang, but usually my rambling is a sign that I don't know shit. I talk until I get some look of recognition from my counterpart(s), taking that as a signal that I actually do know what I'm talking about. Then I get out while I can, leaving on a high note.
Secondly, all relationships, romantic or otherwise, are based on communication. If two people can't talk to each other, they're not going to continue that relationship exclusively. Therefore, since my life revolves around music--I relate everything to it--a potential (new) best friend or girlfriend has to know something about it.
Is this shallow? Probably. I don't even know what shallow means, really. If you're not shallow, you have zero standards. I don't get it. People have priorities, things they look for, are attracted to, in another person. Some people go for big tits, I go for music aptitude. Un-shallow people by definition go for living creatures.
I'm shallow, because I'm going for this girl that I've never met with the "Martha My Dear" away message and the Anchorman references in her Facebook profile. Also, she is stunning.
I wonder if she likes brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
posted by Kevin A. Doran at 6:07 AM
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