Double Dose

Hey, I have two things that I want to write about tonight, so if you don't like the first entry, scroll down to the second one and maybe you'll like that one.

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Having never imbibed alcohol in an American bar, I have yet to enter the world of drunken karaoke. I've taken part in a few sessions while sober (and young and stupid, obviously), mostly at Jake's block parties. Karaoke is a memory maker. I will never listen to "It's the End Of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" again without hearing the line "birthday party cheesecake" and remembering Jake joyously telling us "I knew he said 'cheescake'!"

Now, memories or not, that song is not a particularly great one for karaoke unless you know you can nail all the words--a feat which not many who grace this planet can do. Unless you've got the bombastic attitude of Bill Murray doing "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding" or the sultry movements of Scarlett Johansson crooning "Brass in Pocket" in Lost in Translation, pulling off your karaoke cover could become a disaster. The key is winning over the crowd, and the only way to do that is to be confident and comfortable.

Of course, certain songs lend themselves to this attitude much better than others. That's why I'm going to point out some of the best karaoke songs in the world. Note that, as an underage drunk, the success of these songs is purely theoretical, and that they may not actually be great songs for karaoke. But if my solo sing-alongs have steered me wrong, I might have to re-evaluate my whole life.

So, without further ado, here are my perfect karaoke selections:

(P.S.--There will be NO Journey songs or Meatloaf songs included, because all of their songs are cheesy as a Milwaukee resident's shit.)

David Bowie, "Suffragette City"

I thought this was just me. But in a moment of weakness the other night, I watched more than 5 seconds of David Spade's The Showbiz Show. It's not my fault Jessica Alba was on. Anywho, Spade closed out the show by singing this song with Scott Weiland and some random band. And even though Spade was terrible and Weiland not much better with their treatment of Mr. Stardust's classic, it still rocked. I will most likely break my karaoginity with this selection.

It's got everything you need--the cool "Hey man!", the great tone of voice with which Bowie rocks it out, and the key--a great climax with the "Ohhhhhhhhh, wham bam thank you ma'am!" followed by a kickass finish. If you can't kick ass with this song, you shouldn't be allowed near a microphone.

Talking Heads, "Burning Down the House"

This one would be a bit riskier than Bowie, but if you can get the swagger down, it's a real winner. The staccato delivery is a real key. Plus, shouting "Burning down the house!" is just a fun thing to do. I imagine if you're drunk, it could be hard to remember the shifting melodies, but if you know your shit, you could get it right. This one's really a sink-or-swim number, but if you do it right, you could hit it out of the park.

Kelly Clarkson, "Since U Been Gone"

I don't think I've been to a party at college since this song was released where I haven't heard it played. EVERYBODY likes this song, from the fratboys to the jocks to the nerds to the art freaks. It's got a hook that nobody can resist. And if you can hit the "Again and again and again and again!", you're a better man that I. But if you can get it, just like with "Burning Down the House," you'll be the hero of the day.

The Beatles, "Oh! Darling"

I think "Hey Jude" is probably the fan favorite among Beatles songs, but honestly, it's probably really boring. Those "na na na na na na na"s must get old after a while. But this one is a real motherfucker. If you can get through this song without singing along to it, you're inhuman. It's such a great wailer that John Lennon begged Paul McCartney to let him sing it--and when he refused to budge, Lennon held a grudge against him forever. Sure, some say Yoko was the reason the Beatles broke up, but if you're a Beatlemaniac, you know "Oh! Darling" was the real scourge.

R.E.M., "Everybody Hurts"

This one sort of has that "Hey Jude" ability to drag on, I think, but it's a heartbreaker if you do it right. Just a really pretty song. Dedicate it to your dead fiancee or something and you're probably going to earn some tearjerking points.

The Rolling Stones, "Get Off of My Cloud," "Honky Tonk Women," "Brown Sugar," "Miss You," and "Beast of Burden"

The Stones might be the best karaoke band of all time. I think it's that Mick Jagger frontman attitude that does it. I couldn't pick just one of these, because they're all great for singing and strutting along to. But if you can't pull off the Jagger stage moves, don't even bother. The trouble is that everyone thinks they can do the Jagger stage moves, when really there are a chosen few who can. Anyway, practice your strut, then tackle one of these. Tight pants and corresponding cucumber a must.

Squeeze, "Pulling Mussels From the Shell"

Squeeze is one of those bands that everybody knows, but nobody knows they know. They're kind of like a new wave version of the Beatles, except, you know, not as good. But they're still good. Anyway, they're pretty irresistible at times, and this song is one of those times. And pull it out during a karaoke sesh and you'll have people falling in love with the song--and in turn, you.

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ONTO PART TWO!!!!

Something insane almost happened last week. It's not often that an amendment gets to the Senate floor, but it happened. There was a vote to create an amendment that would ban flag burning. This movement originally started in the Bush I era, when a state (Texas, I believe) banned flag burning. The case went to the Supreme Court, at which point it was ruled that such a law was a violation of the First Amendment and therefore unconstitutional. This is why, for flag burning to be banned, Congress must pass an amendment doing so (followed by the amendment being ratified by 3/4 of the states).

The potential amendment came within one vote of passing. The final tally in the Senate was 66-34. It takes a 2/3 vote to pass an amendment, which means 67 out of 100 senators must vote to pass it. Obviously, that means the amendment must be fairly widely accepted. The current Senate is dominated by Republicans with 55/100 old white dudes representing the GOP. There are, in turn, 44 Democrats and one Independent (who, I believe, is a Socialist from Vermont).

Yet even with the conservative-dominated Senate, that would require at least 12 Democrats, or about 25%, to cross their party line. That's a high percentage to ask. That's why we haven't had a new amendment since 1992.

Anywho, more to the point--we were about one vote away from having flag burning banned. I'm going to tell you the reasons why this is a really stupid amendment. And here they come:

1) You're supposed to burn flags. When a flag becomes tattered, you're no longer supposed to fly it. The proper way to dispose of an American flag is by burning it. Making an amendment to ban this is just contrary to proper flag etiquette.

2) What's dangerous about burning a flag? How does it in any way affect anyone else? It might be offensive to real bleeding-heart patriots, but then so is saying "Fuck the president," isn't it? And the very reason we have the First Amendment is that the founding fathers (and every sensible American since) has wanted us to have the right to say stuff like "Fuck the president." Without that ability, this country becomes a dangerous place. It becomes no better than, say, pre-war Iraq, or Communist China.

3) This amendment probably only reached the floor because, hey! guess what's coming up in November? That's right, mid-term elections! This is another one of those nation-splitting issues, like gay marriage in 2004, that everyone is either wholeheartedly for or against. This sets up future speeches involving platitudes like "This guy voted to burn flags! He's a terrorist!" and "This guy voted to take away our First Amendment right! Big government's got to go!" It's all just a bunch of politicians wasting our time and money on frivolous bills without even offering a reach-around.

If this bill had passed, it would have taken years to get through the ratification process anyway. It's not something that would have affected anything but a political race. It's a stupid waste of time.

But if it had passed, I read a nice way to counteract it: by burning a flag. I've never burned a flag and never found a reason why I should, but if flag-burning had been banned, I think I'd have found my reason.

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My colleague at the Collegian, Travis, said something today that I thought was pretty funny, and if I ever write a book, I'm going to include it in there somewhere. So I need to document it here before I forget it.

"They never tell you beforehand that all you're really going to be doing is stalking people all day."