Letting My Freak Flag Fly

I'm very tentative when it comes to decisions that affect my personal appearance. Sure, I talk a big game, but when it comes to decision time I generally change my mind just in time. Usually I'll say stuff like, "I'm not going to shave at all until Christmas," or "I'm going to let my hair grow until the summer and then get it cut short." Then my neck hair gets scraggly and I get annoyed with grooming my long hair but I'm too non-committal to cut it all off.

The reason I'm usually tentative is that while I get annoyed by certain aspects of my appearance, I simultaneously find them endearing. There's something I like about being able to pass my fingers through my long hair or make little adjustments to it all the time. I'm the kind of guy who hates getting rid of stuff, and my hair is no different.

This was not the case Monday. Monday, I thought, "I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. I'm getting it really short." And I did.

Another thing that stops me from getting haircuts often is that I hate them purely on principle. Why pay someone to take something away from you? I mean, I can understand paying a doctor to remove your tumor; that's a life-threatening situation. Unless you have hair that is plotting to suffocate you in your sleep, haircuts are not a necessity. In fact, long hair is more of a necessity than short hair (especially in the winter months). People make fun of my body hair all the time, but I'm as close to cold-blooded as any person you'll meet.

Sometimes people just tell me to get it cut for free by one of my friends. But while I hate haircuts on principle, I don't trust an amateur with something that people make a living off of. It's like hiring replacement players for your baseball team--you might win a few games, but you're not going to compete for the World Series. I also don't trust barbers. Barbers generally just go through the motions. While they may be good at what they do, all they're doing is chopping your hair off your head and onto their tile floor. I'm also afraid of old Italian men because of possible connections with the mob.

This is why I go to a hair "stylist" or whatever. The only people I trust cutting my hair are professional women and gay men. They know what looks good. Old Italian men do not know what looks good. They always try to part my hair so I look like a schoolboy from the '50s. Usually they don't even ask where I want the part. I'm not comfortable talking to old men, either. I can handle talking to women, and probably gay men, though I've never gotten my hair cut by one.

Another reason I prefer women to men is that I'd feel rather awkward if a man complimented my hair. I like the comfort I get from the lady who cuts my hair when she fawns over my hair. It's like a cheaper form of prostitution.

But the most important reason I go to a hair stylist is so I can get my hair washed. There's nothing more comforting (next to maybe a professional massage, which I've never had) than feeling some strange lady's hands going through your hair while hot water pours over your head. If I had the choice between getting my hair washed and anything else in the world, I'd choose getting my hair washed. Except for sex and massages, probably.

Yesterday, I messed up. I took a shower before I got my haircut. I mean, I had to, since I'd just gotten home from work. But I didn't dry it well enough, and by the time I got to Klippers, it was still a bit damp. The girl at the front desk asked if I wanted my hair washed. "Yes," I said while trying not to jump out of my shoes with excitement. Alas, when I got my head down into the sink, the hair dresser asked if I'd already washed it, and I affirmed her suspicion. But she still wet it down for me, which was okay.

Ever since that hot wetdown, my head has been cold. I want my hair back.

My My, Hey Hey

During Monday night's football game between the Green Bay Packers and Baltimore Ravens, there was one particularly revealing play. Nobody scored on the play; it wasn't a game-changing play. The final score was 48-3; there weren't really any game-changing plays since it was the Ravens' game for 60 minutes.

Brett Favre dropped back to pass. He looked for his first option. He looked for his second option. He would have looked to his checkdown receiver, but he was flushed out of the pocket by the Raven pass rush. He rolled out to his right, got some time to throw, and threw a bomb.

As the ball was in the air, Al Michaels, Monday Night Football's play-by-play commentator, said "Quintessential Favre," referring to the quarterback's ability to keep fighting to make a big play until he got the chance. He got the chance on this play, and his pass was headed toward the end zone, where Donald Driver awaited the ball--along with three other Ravens defenders. The pass was intercepted.

In retrospect, it was a bit funny to hear Michaels say "Quintessential Favre" on an interception, but his quip was an accurate one. Favre leads the NFL in interceptions this year with 24, a career-high. His QB Rating is 73.1, the lowest it's been since his third year in the league. He ranks 23rd in the league in that category.

The man once won three consecutive MVP awards. He's the only player ever to do that. In fact, nobody has ever won three non-consecutive MVPs, either. During that three-year span, he also won a Super Bowl, two NFC Championships, and three NFC Central division titles. He was the definition of a franchise quarterback, and my generation's most popular player.

Every generation has that one team that everybody loves growing up. Back in the '70s, it was usually the Cowboys (because they were on national TV all the time) or the Steelers (who won four Super Bowls in the decade). Then, in the '80s, the Raiders and 49ers were very successful and garnered a lot of young fans. In the '90s, kids took either side of the Cowboys-49ers rivalry.

Then, both the Cowboys and 49ers started losing their players to free agency. Brett Favre hit his prime and made the Packers the next big thing.

And now he's throwing up jump balls into triple coverage, for any number of reasons--his defense can't keep his team in games, he has no one he can trust to make plays on offense, he can't get time in the pocket, etc. He's still got some of the tools, but at this point in his career, he's an old, stubborn quarterback. He's going to force every throw because he believes he can make it. He used to be able to because his arm was a little better and his supporting cast was a lot better. Now the Packers' success is riding on his arm, and they're 3-11.

It's sad to see the premier player of your youth go washed-up, but that's what Brett Favre is now. According to footballoutsiders.com (my bible of football statistics), he's ranked 12th among QBs in DPAR, which rates a players total value. He's ranked 19th in DVOA, whcih rates a player's value per play. In other words, he would be a starting quarterback for less than half the teams in the league. That's saying something for a three-time MVP. It's saying, "Retire."

Christmas Wish List, Donald Trump Edition

Okay, I know it's a little late, but I'm making my Christmas list. Here are all the gifts I would like in a dream world, expensive or priceless.

Segway Human Transporter p Series
Price: $3,995.95


















This thing tops out at 10 MPH on flat land. But most importantly, I'd look like a huge nerd while riding it. It would also be the laziest thing I've ever owned. Come on, people. 10 MPH? Just go for a damn walk.

Horizon T53 Treadmill
Price: $799.99




















I despise running. I used to dread going to the track with my dad. What's the interest in running around in circles for a half hour? I could be watching Full House, for chris'sakes.

However, I have this weird infatuation with treadmills. Plop one in front of the TV set, run in place at a pre-determined speed, and drink a beer while you do it, all in a climate-controlled area. That's the life.

Flybar Model 1200
Price: $299.99







































This is a pogo stick. Who would buy a pogo stick for 300 bucks, you ask? Me, that's who. I'm the type of person who would say "Screw groceries for the next [n] weeks, I'm buying a fucking pogo stick." You may think I'm nuts, but check out these slick features:

• Appropriate for ages 14 and up--supports rider weight from 120 to 250 pounds
• Elevation potential of over 5 feet--dramatically greater than any pogo on the market
• Based on a one-of-a-kind, patented, fully adjustable elastomeric spring system
• Powered solely by leg strength and body weight--no pneumatic or artificial propulsion mechanisms
• Feels like bouncing on a trampoline--no high-impact jumping

Feature one: Hey, I'm age 14 and up! And I weigh between 120 and 250 pounds! Why don't I own this already?

Feature two: 5 FEET IN THE AIR. I could be the first Doran to dunk a basketball.

Feature three: I don't know what that means, but it sounds pretty badass, if you ask me.

Feature four: Powered solely by leg strength and body weight. Time to pack on 10 pounds so I can get closer to the 250 pound weight limit, if you ask me.

Feature five: I love trampolines! And no high-impact jumping? Thank god, finally a pogo stick that suits my needs and wants.

The Economist

Price:

$129.00

Because only rich people read The Economist. Sounds like a great investment, if you ask me.

The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Price: $124.00



















The complete works of my two favorite philosophers. I wish Bill Watterson had faded away instead of burning out. I would read these from cover to cover, uninterrupted, from the very moment I got them. Then I'd eat a sandwich and do it again.

Whatever: The '90s Pop and Culture Box

Price:

$95.49

Because I don't want to buy albums by M.C. Hammer, Matthew Sweet, House of Pain, Tag Team, Better Than Ezra, Deep Blue Something, or Meredith Brooks, but I do want to hear "U Can't Touch This," "Girlfriend," "Jump Around," "Whoomp! (There It Is)," "Good," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and "Bitch" whenever I damn well please.

Alfred Hitchcock - The Masterpiece Collection
Price: $89.99

























It would be nice to watch these all in a row, then lock myself in a windowless room for fear of living anymore. The man was a genius. Psycho, Rear Window, The Birds, and Vertigo alone make this well worth the 90 bucks. The other nine films are a welcome bonus.


Comfort Products 60-1180X 5 Motor Leather Executive Massage Chair, Black

Price:

$99.49

Cindy, could you cancel my 10:00?

Sony MDR-NC6 Noise-Canceling Headphones
Price: $39.99



















Because I like to live in peace when I'm listening to "Immigrant Song" on full blast, thank you very much. Because I want to hear Jimi Hendrix's fingers move along the fretboard. Because I want Freddy Mercury to tickle my eardrums.

This hat:
Price: Unkown














Available through http://www.amazingstore.jp/

If I knew how to read Japanese, I'd have one already.

This eBay auction:














As I type this, the auction is at 200 bucks. That's not nearly enough, in my opinion.

Some people like action figures as collectibles. Not me. You can bet I would be kicking some major Foot shell with the Turtles, as well as Casey Jones and the rest of the good guys. Look at all those Foot clan members. I only had one. I dreamed of an entire Foot clan for so long. Ah, memories.

Batman Underoos
Price: Unknown



















Young Kevin: Na na na na na na na na (gasp) na na na na na na na na (gasp) Bat-man!

I talked really slow. My parents thought I might have had a learning disability. Then I aced every test in the first and second grade.

Proton Gun:














Another eBay find. I couldn't find the trap (which I know I used to have, for a very long time) or the actual proton pack, but I'd add those to the list too.

Dave Meggett's Super Bowl XXV Ring
Price: $30,000.00 to 60,000














Meggett must need some quick cash. I don't know why some rich Giants fan hasn't bought this yet. If it were an Eagles one, I'd be fundraising as we speak. Then again, if it were an Eagles one, I'd know it was a fake.

And that's my list for this Christmas. I'll be awaiting my gifts eagerly.

Labels

Generalizations make the world go round. Without generalizations, we wouldn't have racism, holy wars, or Polish jokes. Good ol' stupid Polacks. [The irony in that sentence is that I had to look up "Polack" to make sure I was spelling it right.] Everybody's got a generalization. Blacks are lazy, Southerners are ignorant, Irish are drunks, Italians are in the mob, Chinese are good at math, etc.

The reason general labels are so popular is that they make things easier. Everything becomes black and white when we use labels. We don't have to think before we figure out what a person is like. I'm not going to make friends with that black dude, because he'd probably try and steal my stuff. That's easy. Much easier than going over, talking to the black dude, and deciding that he is either a) a nice guy who probably won't steal my stuff, or b) not someone you want to make friends with.

That's why we always get into trouble when we use labels. There's no such thing as black and white. There is ALWAYS a grey area, even in science, which is why different scientific experts can analyze observations in many different ways. Even mathematics, which always seems definite, is based entirely upon an abstract set of numbers. We think of "0" or "1" as some definite thing, but those numbers are really just representations of a concept that can't truly be put into physical form. So we label them.

And what happens in math when you label things? You have to set parameters. For instance, when you do algebra in high school, you'll often see something like "Where x is a real number" or something like that. If we didn't set those parameters, any answer could conceivably be the correct one. x + 2=7; x = dog.

In everyday life, we have these generalizations that serve as labels for people, not even numbers. We're taking real people with real lives and turning them into inanimate objects when we label them. It's not just by race or ethnicity, either. You have the jocks, the computer geeks, the band geeks, the preppy kids, etc. Well, most people don't fall into just one category. I was a brainy nerd/band geek, but I also wrestled freshman and sophomore year, so I guess some people could consider me a jock for a period of time, and yet I ate lunch with a handful of metalheads/hockey players/skaters as well as some other band geeks/crew team members/theatre snobs/etc.

The problem that comes along because of these labels is that impressionable kids want to fit in, so they force themselves into a group of people. So they all dress the same way as their friends, listen to the same music (whether they really like it or not, but they listen to it so much they end up liking it out of necessity), and practice the same study habits. They pigeonhole themselves because it's easier than finding out who they really are. Most don't even find out until they finally outgrow their cliques, which tends not to happen until after high school. Meanwhile, these kids are turning into adults who have no idea what to do with their lives because they don't know who they are.

Things go bad when you try and make things black and white. This is why I hate the Bible. It's all about rules that aren't made to be broken. Take the Ten Commandments, for example. Of course people have expounded upon them to fit a more civilized society, but just reading ten rules for how to be a good person makes me kind of sick. These black and white rules pretend to be all-encompassing, yet there are so many grey areas left uncovered. You can't turn life into a battle of good and evil, which is what the Bible tries to do. In real life, the sinners are saints and vice versa.

To further prove the phrase "Everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten," I'm going to quote the Disney film Aladdin. "Things aren't always what they seem." There you have it. The moral of a film produced by a morally bankrupt American organization provides you with all the wisdom you need to live a socially just life. It's like rain on your wedding day.

***

I found out last week that The Decemberists signed with Capitol Records. The Decemberists are a whimsical, theatrical, anthemic indie pop band. Well, until they signed with a major. I guess this makes them a whimsical, theatrical, anthemic mainstream pop band.

I'm not all too familiar with their catalogue, but evidently their most recent effort, Picaresque, has a very accessible sound to it. In other words, they're making a shift to appeal to the mainstream (which some may see as a shift towards commercialism and away from artistry). The reason I write about this is that it's not just a trend in the music industry, but a certainty. Even The Velvet Underground, the precursors to indie rock, signed with a major after three albums.

The main difference between indie and mainstream is the commercialism. While it's not set in stone that anyone signed to a major label is a "sell-out," there's always at least some subtle pressure to sell records rather than make good ones. Labels have sued artists for not sounding enough like themselves. Ridiculous? Of course. But this is the music industry; these are the people who are on a witch hunt to sue everyone who's ever illegally shared music. I'm still awaiting my subpoena for those times I recorded radio programs onto cassette tapes 7 years ago.

Capitol Records will expect big things from The Decemberists, and I'm not sure they can deliver without sacrificing at least some artistic integrity. It's the nature of the business.

This negativity towards the mainstream makes it hard to appreciate the mainstream at all. When you hear a song on the radio, you know deep down that that song was somehow affected by the fact that the artist who recorded it had to sell some records. It wasn't purely artistic motives that brought about that song on the radio.

The benefit of a major is that they provide more money. It sounds selfish of the artists on the surface, but in many cases that extra money is making the music available to more people, which is mostly a good thing. Money also provides for more resources to work with in the recording studio, which ultimately improves the quality of the music, if only slightly. But if the end result sacrifices quality in the name of capital, does it really matter how good your horn section is?

I guess in the end it comes down to personal preference, but I'm a purist when it comes to rock music. We're a dying breed.

Best of 2005, Part II

Continued...

I'd originally intended to make these entries closer together, but then finals week came around and well...there simply wasn't time. But as long as they're done by the end of the month (which I can't promise), my goal will have been achieved.

So, onto the next category:

Best Food/Beverage:
[Note: For this category, I'm throwing out the part about having first experienced the item in 2005. These are the standout foods of 2005. I would never ever ever turn these down if the opportunity arose.]

Honorable Mention: Pizza
Without pizza, I'd be half the man I am today.

(pause for laughter)

But seriously folks...pizza rules. Especially Hawaiian pizza. I'm usually not one to mix sweet elements with salty elements, but when Don Ho and Queen Liliuokalani came up with the idea of combining pineapple and ham, well, they were making magic. Magic my taste buds can't ignore.

Second Runner-Up: Starbucks Coffee
The last time I was at a Starbucks, it was with my dad. When I ordered a vanilla mocha, he said it was a "chick drink." Fuck you, Dad. It's good.

Caffiene has taken its place alongside food, water, and shelter in my life.

First Runner-Up: Jack and Coke
When we had that ill-fated party at my house around Halloween, I was very angry to walk into my kitchen to find empty bottles of Captain Morgan's, Smirnoff, and Jose Cuervo. I was more angry to find a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's.

However, I carried Jack around for the rest of the night. In the immortal words of Mandy Moore, "[Jack and Cokes are] like sugar to my heart."

And the Kaddy goes to: The Blue Ribbon Special at the Tom Jones Diner
Okay, this is really more than one food--but that's what makes it so "special." Two pancakes, two eggs, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of sausage, two slices of toast, choice of juice, and coffee--for $2.79.

It's like hitting the lottery every time you eat it. Jake and I went to TJ's at least twice this summer and each got the Blue Ribbon. I literally pumped my fist when we got the check, both times. It's exciting. And the food is not bad at all.

Word to the wise: don't get your eggs scrambled. Well, you can, but you're only getting one egg. Trust me on this. And a side of hash with cheese is a popular request as well.

I don't watch a lot of TV, but I'll try and do a category for my favorite TV Shows of 2005.

Honorable Mention: Survivor
I hate the reality TV genre. Hate hate hate it. But Mark Burnett is a genius. He pulled me in with The Apprentice even though Donald Trump is the biggest jackass on earth. He does it every season with Survivor. It's unpredictable and riveting TV. It's as close to reality as reality TV gets. And the unintentional comedy of Jeff Probst carrying the final vote onto a helicopter that lands in NYC (or in this season's case, Hollywood) months later to reveal the Survivor winner on live TV is just off the charts.

Second Runner-Up: Family Guy
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love this show. I used to be so bad with it that I'd laugh to myself about 15 times a day because something reminded me of a Family Guy scene. I could quote it at the drop of a hat.

Unfortunately, the belly laugh quotient of the show went down from once every five minutes to once every fifteen in the show's triumphant return to network TV. Hopefully it gets better, but I don't really see it happening. It jumped the shark when it got cancelled.

First Runner-Up: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart is the funniest political satirist in America. Stephen Colbert, who now has his own hilariously titled The Colbert Report (both t's are silent), is brilliant at playing the hard-hitting yet clueless reporter. He is a worthy replacement for Steve Carell.

Since Colbert left, you'd think the show would let down. No way. Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, and Samantha Bee are all just as hilarious. Combined with Stewart's interviews, The Daily Show is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be when it comes to fake news.

And the Kaddy for Best TV Show of 2005 goes to: The Office
Okay, I'll admit it. I've never seen the British version. But it doesn't really matter, because even the U.S. version is comedy gold. Steve Carell is equally believable and ridiculous as the clueless boss. The rest of the characters have that great ensemble cast chemistry (or in some cases, lack thereof) that is a must for every great sitcom.

Two more categories to go, and they're both music-related! I'm so excited!

The penultimate category is for Best Album of 2005. Again, it doesn't have to be a 2005 release; I just have to have first experienced it in 2005. I'm going to keep it to one album per artist.

Honorable Mention: Armed Forces by Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Elvis is a spectacular lyricist and vocalist. And "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?" flat out rocks.

Second Runner-Up: Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes
I'm probably a little biased here, but being as objective as I can be, Jack White branches out a lot on this album. It's not mind-blowing stuff, but it's fun as hell. I already talked about "The Denial Twist" in Part I, and "Take, Take, Take" is a great story.

First Runner-Up: The Gay Parade by Of Montreal
The Sgt. Pepper's of Indie Pop. It's a beautiful album, with a ton of great stories on it. From run-ins with your favorite boxer to fables of invisible trees, it's like reading a children's storybook--except with melodies catchier than AIDS.

And, the Kaddy for Best Album of 2005 goes to: Set Yourself on Fire by Stars
Listen to this album now. Listen. This album, more than any other album I've ever heard, embodies the word beautiful. It's perfect. The lyrics are perfect, the vocals are incredible, and the music is never boring. Just when you think the album is all orchestration and bells and whistles, there's a ripping guitar solo. It's emotional, but not sappy. It's witty, but not pretentious. It's gorgeous.

Onto the grand finale...The Best Artist of 2005, which amounts to Best New Artist. I think at this point it's obvious that Stars is going to win, so I'm just going to list the other nominees:

Second Runner-Up: Spoon
First Runner-Up: Of Montreal
Winner: Stars

That's my Best of 2005 Awards ceremony. I hope you enjoyed it. I might have another regular entry before I get to the memories section of the Best of 2005, since that's going to take a while to compile. Until next time.

Best of 2005, Part I

I'm going to do a sort of year in review for 2005. Yes, I'm sort of stealing this idea from when Jake used to keep a LiveJournal. Except instead of just reviewing the greatest moments from 2005, I'm going to split it into parts I and II (and maybe III, IV, etc.). The first few parts will be the greatest new things to come out of 2005--CDs, movies, concerts, etc. And this has nothing to do with when the new things were released--since this is MY blog, it will be completely egocentric. If it came out in 1967 but I heard it for the first time in 2005, it could be on this list. Anything's up for grabs, as long as it had something to do with me. The second parts will be like Jake's old LiveJournals--the best (and maybe the worst) moments of 2005. I'll also include short reviews for the first part and short anecdotes for the second part.

And of course, I'll need a spiffy name for my awards. "Kevys" looks like a typo of "keys," so that's out. Fattys? Nah, too self-deprecating. And if I somehow lose a ton of weight (snicker), the name will be obsolete. My initials are KAD. I'm thinking "The Kaddys." It's got a ring to it. Nice play on words, too. Right, now that that's settled...

PRESENTING THE INAUGURAL KADDY AWARDS

We'll start off with a somewhat major award, sort of like how the Oscars start with Best Supporting Actor and Actress.

The Kaddy Awards for Best Comedies of 2005:

Honorable Mention: Sideways
Solid, smart, sophisticated buddy comedy. I can't believe Paul Giamatti didn't even get an Oscar nomination for this. How to explain...it's sort of like if Dumb and Dumber was an indie flick.

Second Runner-Up: Shaun of the Dead
I rented this movie a few weeks ago. It came out late last year, so it's not too far off from 2005. It wasn't just great as a comedy, but it also had a great plotline, lovable characters, and a solid soundtrack (I can't listen to "You're My Best Friend" anymore without thinking of it). If you haven't seen it, do it ASAP. Everyone I've talked to about it has also loved it, so I know I'm not alone here.

First Runner-Up: Blazing Saddles
"Hey, where the white women at?" "Nobody moves, or the nigger gets it!" "All right, we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we don't want the Irish."
I suggested we (Jake, DJ, Jamie, and I) rent this because I'd never seen it, and I was high. Instead, DJ and I watched Starsky and Hutch, which was much funnier the second time around. Then, the next day, we watched it at DJ's house. Very good decision. It's a classic by one of the great comedy filmmakers of all time, Mel Brooks. If you like any racial humor at all, it's hilarious.

And The Kaddy for Best Comedy of 2005 goes to: The 40 Year Old Virgin
Steve Carell puts in perhaps the funniest comedic performance since, jeez, maybe Tom Hanks in Big. It's essentially one joke stretched out for 90 minutes, but it's a good joke, and it stays fresh throughout. Judd Apatow, who directed the cancelled-far-too-soon Freaks and Geeks, does a great job making the movie seem somehow believeable. This one will be remembered for a long time.

Onto the second movie category, Best Non-Comedies of 2005:
Honorable Mention: The Incredibles
I could have put this in either movie category, but I'd consider it more of an action or family movie over a comedy. Awesome movie. It's sad to see Pixar and Disney part, but if this is their last film together, I'd say they went out on their highest note. That's no knock on Toy Story, Toy Story 2, or Finding Nemo, but The Incredibles was, well...you know--incredible.

Second Runner-Up: Batman Begins
Stunning, in pretty much every way you can imagine. The visuals were amazing. The storyline was a great introduction to the Batman series. And for the first time (apologies to Tim Burton), a director captured how dark a character Bruce Wayne really is. This is why I love Christopher Nolan so much. With Katie Holmes missing from the sequel, it should be even better.

First Runner-Up: Cinderella Man
I'm a sucker for sports movies. This one rivaled the best with its chill moments. And it wasn't just a great boxing movie, but a tremendous Depression movie as well. It had depth to it. The only other sports movie I can think of with depth like this was Field of Dreams. Again, Paul Giamatti. He should get nominated for this. If he doesn't, I'm burning and old rich white Jewish man in effigy. Also, Russel Crowe--he's an incredibly asshole, but he might be the best actor on the planet.

And the Kaddy for Best Non-Comedy of 2005 goes to: Say Anything
This was easy. I fell in love with this movie the first time I saw it. My favorite actor (John Cusack) and my favorite actor (Cameron Crowe) in what I'd consider their defining moments. There's no scene more memorable in Cusack's career than the immortal Lloyd Dobler standing outside Diane Court's window, holding up the stereo playing "In Your Eyes." So many epic scenes, so many great lines, so intense. Maybe I'm an emo bitch, but Lloyd Dobler is my fucking hero and this movie damn near brought me to tears.

Now, for the music category. I've expanded my musical horizons more this year than almost any other year of my life. I'm going to do four categories here: Best Song, Best Album, Best Artist, and Best Concert. Now, it may not necessarily be what I consider to be the "best" song/artist/etc., but the one that had the biggest impact on me.

First things first--the Best Concert of 2005:
Honorable Mention: U2
I love them. Well, I loved them. I'm a little disappointed with How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, and it's even more disappointing that it seems Bono is very happy with it. What's worse, I've become increasingly disappointed with All That You Can't Leave Behind. At it's core, Pop is a better album than both of those, although the band will admit that they weren't able to give 100% to that album. The band is moving in a direction away from the likes of Achtung Baby, which I consider their best and most interesting album. They're nothing more than an arena rock band anymore, which isn't necessarily a bad thing--it's just not why I love U2.

That said, the concert was the perfect arena rock concert. Damian Marley was a great opener--he even covered a couple of his dad's songs ("Exodus," "Could You Be Loved"), so I knew more than "Welcome to Jamrock." U2 was simultaneously exciting and incredibly frustrating, due to the insistence of their fans to sing every word at the top of their lungs, as well as dance embarassingly to songs that shouldn't be danced along with. The highlight of the concert was undoubtedly "One," as well as a cover of "People Get Ready," which included a cameo appearance from none other than Bruce Springsteen and Patti Scialfa. That's some memory to take away, huh?

Second Runner-Up: Ben Folds
Wow. Never have I seen anyone rock so hard while banging away on a piano. There were almost no lowlights to the show. The Fray was a pretty good opener, and Folds and his band were as entertaining as it gets. The highlights were a makeshift cover of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore," Dr. Dre's "Bitches Ain't Shit," and the crowd sing-a-long on "Army." He definitely did not disappoint.

First Runner-Up: Foozer
This would probably be the winner of the Kaddy if it weren't for the Foo Fighters. Don't get me wrong--I actually like the Foo Fighters a good amount. But Dave Grohl...well, if he were as good a vocalist as he is a frontman, he'd be a great performer. As it is, he just kind of screams bloody murder on the majority of his songs. He's a very entertaining rockstar. And when he actually sings, it turns out well. He did a solo performance of "Everlong" that was pretty cool. Another highlight was "Up in Arms," which features both sides of the vocal coin--a slower, vocal-centered part, followed by a blistering, thrashing, visceral rock part. Besides those, the stage effects on "Best of You" were very cool.

As a Weezer fan, this might have been the highlight of their career for me. I knew all the little gimmicks they were going to throw in, as I read the concert reports for pretty much every show on the tour. The sing-a-long on "Perfect Situation," each band member featured on lead vocal for a song, the solo acoustic version of "Island in the Sun," the crowd member chosen to play on "Undone," and the covers of "Big Me" and "Song 2." It was a great show. When the confetti went out at the end of "Buddy Holly," I was euphoric. It took away the bitter taste I still had in my mouth from a lackluster show at the Electric Factory back in May.

Oh, and I forgot Hot Hot Heat. They were great openers. A really fun band that I'd almost definitely throw down 20 bucks to see on a headlining show next time they come around.

And the Kaddy for Best Concert of 2005 goes to: Beck
Beck is the single greatest stage performer I've ever seen. There's really not much more to say. His set was pretty much flawless, featuring all his different musical incarnations over the past dozen years. His opener was the most mind-boggling thing I'd ever seen: a one-man Canadian band who looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger and played drum pads, two keyboards, and vocals all at once. It was, all in all, maybe the best show I've ever seen.

Now, onto the next category, the Best Song of 2005:
This category is obviously going to be an incredibly tough one. Lots of songs I've gotten obsessed with over the course of this year had reached my ears long before 2005. However, due to my dive into all things Beatles, some albums I may have heard when I was growing up didn't really connect with me until this year.

On the other hand, until this year I'd never listened to Rubber Soul, Revolver, or A Hard Day's Night. I'd heard some of the songs before, of course, but not the entire albums. For this category, I'm going to only include songs I'd never heard before 2005. These are the 5 I fell in love with. And since I'm on the subject of the Beatles, I might as well start with them.

The Beatles, "Here, There and Everywhere"
This is the representative Paul McCartney song. Sure, he wrote "Yesterday" and "Hey Jude," which are stronger songs, but "Here, There and Everywhere" is pure Macca. The melody couldn't have been written by anyone else. The "ooo"s in the harmony are a trademark of the Revolver album. The lyrics are gorgeous. This song will be played at my wedding.

Of Montreal, "Tim I Wish You Were Born a Girl"
This might be the cutest song ever written. I don't like using the word "cute," but this song is fucking cute as hell. There's a catch, though. It's...kinda weird, in a way. The title is the first line of the song. The song is a straight man's lament, damning that his best friend is a boy. "But it's just not the same / 'Cause you're a man / And so am I." It's like...gay...but not gay. It's a hypothetical love song. If you were a girl, I'd be in love with you. But you're not a girl, and I'm not attracted to you for that reason; therefore, we can never be together. It's tragic, in a way, but it's beautiful.

Pixies, "Gigantic"
This is one sexy song. My name isn't Paul, and Kim Deal isn't exactly a supermodel (she's not terrible looking, but she's not "hot," per se--unless you have a thing for bass players), but when she sings, "Hey Paul, hey Paul, hey Paul, let's have a ball," well...I want in.

Stars, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
Never have I heard a song that sums up the post-breakup run-in better. The lyrics are perfect. The dual vocals are absolutely gorgeous. The orchestration is perfect--strings, harmonica, a subtle guitar, piano, sweeping cymbals...the song is a masterpiece. And bonus points for having the best opening to an album I've ever heard--"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

The White Stripes, "The Denial Twist"
This is why rock and roll was invented. If you can get through this one without dancing, you have no soul.

Shirtless and Lonely on a Cold Friday Night

I have a Coke addiction. The soda, not the drug. It's a tough one to battle when you live in my house, because we never have soda here. I guess that's for my own good, but it doesn't stop me from stopping at Wawa for a soda almost every night before work starts.

I think the nightly Wawa stop is the source of my troubles. A lot of times we don't have any food that I can eat in a hurry that will keep me satisfied through my shift. When I get hungry, I get cranky, so sufficient sustenance is a necessity. So I stop at Wawa. Sometimes I get a Tastycake pie, but usually I get one of their pre-made chicken wraps, which are actually pretty good. But of course, I need a drink to go along with it.

I thought I needed caffiene to keep me awake on the ride to work, since a lot of times I'd find myself struggling to keep my eyes open on I-95. However, I've since realized that drinking any beverage at all will keep me awake while I'm drinking it. I'd drink water, since it's healthy and all, but I have an ethics issue with paying money for water. It should be illegal. So I don't get water. The next problem is that a 20 oz. bottle of anything isn't going to last me until I get to work, and I might find myself dozing off because I've got nothing to do while I drive. This is unfortunate, because the next size up from a 20 oz. soda is a 1 liter soda. I never finish by the time I get to work, because 1 liter is far too much soda to drink in one sitting. I could get iced tea, but there's an even bigger disparity there between the 16 oz. and the 32 oz (which is equal to one liter).

So I drink almost a liter of soda almost every night--sometimes I switch it up to a Diet Lemonade Tea--and now I'm addicted. I got sick of Mountain Dew, and I guess it's less addictive than Coke. So now I drink Coke almost any chance I get. Diet is out of the question for two reasons: 1) It's nasty, and 2) They don't carry it in the 1 Liter size at the Wawa.

Coke is an evil product. It tastes great and all, but there are so many side effects. First, there's the addiction that comes along with it. Secondly, that first sip will inevitably result in an overload of carbonation. And finally, something I figured out today, is that the reason you're always thirsty after you drink Coke is that they load it up with sodium. Normally you'd wonder why someone would mix salt with sugar, but when it comes to commercial products, we tend to accept that something's in there for a good reason. Unfortunately for Coca-Cola, I had no Coke left after I finished drinking it, and I had to drink some water.

But that doesn't change the fact that I could really go for a Coke right now.

I Will

After that long "Say It Ain't So" post, I felt like digging up this shorter analysis of the Beatles' "I Will" that I wrote some months ago.

I've always sort of thought of this song as a nice little romantic song. I think I once said that if the tempo was a bit slower I might consider it as a wedding-type song. I really love this song. But I've been thinking about the lyrics for a really long time now, and just reading them over now I realize that it's not a real love song; it's more of a "lust" song.

First of all, the speaker in the song has barely even met or talked to the object of his affection, if at all, as shown in the lyrics "For if I ever saw you / I didn't catch your name."

I think the first verse shows a sort of stalker-ish side to the speaker now knowing this information. "Who knows how long I've loved you / You know I love you still / Will I wait a lonely lifetime / If you want me to, I will." This guy doesn't even know the person he loves, but apparently he's admired them for a long period of time. He's also kind of crazy, offering to wait a lifetime without anyone else just for this idealistic image of the perfect mate.

I always thought the chorus was very subtly sexual, especially in the lines, "Love you whenever we're together / Love you when we're apart." The differentiation between "whenever" and "when" has always made me look (maybe too much) into these lines. "Whenever" has the connotation of a more specific and not so much an ongoing period of time, whereas "when" seems just a more general and constant period. I always saw the first line as sexual for this reason, as in "Whenever we're together, we make love" and the second as "I love you even when we're apart." I also saw this second line as maybe some sort of connection to that "ideal" image of the mate, like the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder." It could just as easily been "Miss you when we're apart." That would make it seem like the "real" relationship would be full of turmoil, while being separated from the significant other might be better, hence "Love."

Finally, in the last verse, the line "Make it easy to be near you" seems to go along with this idea of turmoil when the couple is together.

In summary, I think "I Will" is about the ideal of love and how it's so unattainable. From the stalker idea to the realization of the relationship and the disappointment that follows, "I Will" is more about the mishaps of love than the beauty of it.

Say It Ain't So

I wrote this for the Weezer Musical Discussion Forum, and it's essay-length, so I figured I'd post it here.

"Buddy Holly" might be Weezer's signature song, and possibly the best representation of a pop song Rivers Cuomo has ever written, but it lacks lyrical depth. "Across the Sea" and "Falling For You" are certainly deep songs, with beautiful little poetic nuances to them, as well as maybe the interesting chord structures Cuomo's used.

The reason "Say It Ain't So" is so great is that it combines the simplicity that makes "Buddy Holly" so accessible with the lyrical and emotional depth of ATS and FFY. Beginning with the "Oh yeah / all right," and the parallelism of the opening verse, Cuomo establishes a sense of evenness and calmness in his tone. He sets the scene of his coming breakdown with the discovery of "somebody's Heine" and his "chills." Backed by the clash of the tentative feel of the staccato chords against a smooth bassline and lead guitar, we feel the tension brewing. As the speaker says, "Guess I'll just close my eyes" and proceeds to get his mind off things by watching TV and playing with his brother, "something is bubbling behind [his] back."

With the explosion into the chorus, the speaker's two clashing emotions come to a boil. Breaking the parallelism from the first verse, Cuomo instead seemingly inverts his lines. Instead of love breaking hearts and drugs taking lives, it's the other way around. Things aren't calm anymore, as they were in the beginning of the song.

The song moves ahead to the speaker's response to his emotional explosion--how to resolve his problem. But he "can't confront" the problem. It's my interpretation that in this verse, the speaker is--rather than confronting the problem head-on--getting up the nerve to speak to his mother. While he may have a close relationship with his step-father, there's something special about the maternal relationship. This could be evidenced by the lines "I never could do / That which might hurt you." He's known his mother literally his entire life, whereas his step-father came into his life later on. Hence, "never" indicates that the only people he could be addressing are his mother and father. Therefore, the lines "This way is a waterslide away from me that takes you further every day / So be cool," are a call to his mother to make the step-father's ways stop.

Throughout the entire second verse, the sense of "being cool" is key. This correlates with the beginning of the song, with the smooth bassline and lead guitar, as well as the speaker's attempt to get his mind off things rather than to react explosively. He's tentative in speaking with his mother, because he doesn't want her to have a similar explosive reaction.

Another interesting aspect of the second verse is the whimper Cuomo lets out at the end of "day." It's almost like he's crying, or choked up, during the confrontation. He does this again during the last chorus, with the last "so."

In the bridge, Cuomo demonstrates the comparison between his father and step-father that most any Weezer fan knows about already.

The most amazing thing about this song is that Cuomo can take such a generic cliche like "Say it ain't so" and turn it into such an intensely personal song. The song connects on so many levels--the fear of losing a loved one, addictions in general (not merely alcoholism), and the emotional feeling of trying to brush your problems under the rug. At the end of the song, the speaker never seems to find peace. Rather, "This son is drowning in the flood," followed by a guitar solo that sends daggers through the heart with every note. It seems nothing good comes from just "being cool" and ignoring your troubles.