3.26.2006

Voyeur Nation

Hitchcock warned us. So did Orwell and Kubrick, in a different, more disturbing way. They were the storytellers in the dawn of the modern age, and they dealt with issues like a future without freedom and the invasion of personal privacy, whether widespread or isolated.

The "right to privacy" is a hotly debated topic in politically minded circles, mostly because some think it is an inherent right while others argue that safety should take precedence over it. The problem comes from the fact that it was never explicitly defined by the U.S. Constitution. The framers purposely left the Constitution worded extremely vaguely, so that there would always be room to adjust government as times changed.

Our president is in the midst of a wire-tapping scandal that, if fully investigated, could be crippling for the Republican party, much like Richard Nixon's faults were. It has been said that fear is a weapon used by those in power to maintain or strengthen their grip on their position. However, there is always a breaking point, when those in power overstep their bounds and bring about some sort of revolt. In the nearly five years since 9/11, the Republican party has used this tactic to gain political power in an environment fueled by xenophobia.

The xenophobic post-9/11 environment has affected many aspects of the lives of American citizens, from the everyday personal life to the general foreign policy of the country. But it's not just the government who has a roving eye; the American citizens themselves have become somewhat paranoid and suspicious on their own. The greatest example of this is the magic of the internet.

Complex beast that it is, there are roughly thirteen billion ways for a person to be tracked via the internet. The most personal, commercial, and popular ones are networks like The Facebook and MySpace. While they're fun for keeping track of friends both old and new, the capacity for stalking using these sites is ridiculously high. I can look at photos of tens of thousands of Penn State students whenever I want. By now, every PSU student knows about the police investigation following the football team's win over Ohio State. Fans rushed the field, and later were identified using pictures posted on The Facebook. It also seems that every month there are news reports of sexual predators who use MySpace to prey on teenagers. It's scary.

It seems that these networks are a big problem. Our privacy is at stake when we use them. But the real problem is that everyone knows what a sketchy system it is, yet they still use it. Sure, there are benefits to using them, like maintaining a social relationship with people, but it seems obvious that the risks outweigh the rewards by a long shot. Maybe it's just a sign that teenagers and college students don't know what's best for themselves. But you'd think if a college student can balance school, work, and a social life while living out on their own, they could figure out that volunteering personal information on a StalkerNet isn't the smartest thing to do.

No, personal responsibility isn't the real issue here. After all, even adults will tune in every week to watch the personal lives of sixteen castaways bicker about whose turn it is to catch fish. The problem is a cultural one: America is addicted to voyeurism. We like stalking. We like being stalked. We like having a Big Brother watching us. That way, when something goes wrong, there's always someone else to blame. We don't want to face the reality that we are the only people responsible for our own actions.

We're nosy people. It boggles my mind when someone says we have the right to know the details of other people's personal lives. Sure, I'm not going to turn my head when somebody gives me some juicy gossip, but actively seeking out that gossip is just unethical. Why is it that political candidates are often only judged by their past personal decisions? Did Bill Clinton's effectiveness as the leader of our country change when he got that blowjob from Monica Lewinsky? Hell no. But Americans like to dig deep into people's personal lives and then hypocritically hold minor flaws against them.

Big Brother is watching you. You're watching everyone else.

3.22.2006

Steelers Win One For Thumb; Search For Other Appendages Begins

[I wrote this for Phroth, and due to its lack of timeliness, it's not going to be published. And Murph said this blog was in need of an update, and I agree. So here you go. I have other stuff already written that's coming soon, but it's lengthy and I figured this would tide my hypothetical readers over.]


Now that the Pittsburgh Steelers have won their fifth Super Bowl, they have finally run out of room for all their rings.

“I think the feeling within the team is that we’re going to move onto the other hand, finally,” said Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. “We plan to win one for the other ring finger first, and then maybe move onto the middle finger.”

Ben Roethlisberger seemed confused by the idea.

“I actually only own one Super Bowl ring, so I think I’ll wear it on my ring finger,” Roethlisberger said. “If we win another one, I guess I’ll put it on my other ring finger. That’s where I generally wear rings.”

Steelers chairman Dan Rooney is actually the only member of the Steelers organization who has all five Super Bowl rings. He said that he usually only wears one at a time, if at all.

“Most of the time I keep them at home in a trophy case,” Rooney said. “Sometimes if I go out drinking with Terry Bradshaw, I’ll wear one from the late ‘70s. I’m probably going to stop, though, because last time I accidentally swallowed it doing a beer bong.”

Championship ring enthusiast Phil Jackson, coach of the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers, is not impressed with Rooney’s collection of rings.

“Call me when he gets a Super Bowl cock ring,” Jackson said before hanging up abruptly.

When asked to comment on Jackson’s challenge, Rooney angrily announced that he had petitioned the NFL to sign its next ring contract with Pittsburgh’s own S&M Jewelers.

3.08.2006

Whitey

I somehow have a great respect for history while being completely self-centered about it. I love history, but only when it concerns me. I love American history, but stuff like the War of 1812 and the Civil Rights movement bore me, while World War II and the Bill of Rights could keep me entertained for hours.

I don’t know if this quality is genetic or a result of my environment, but evidence points to both. My father and most of the Doran family has an unnatural interest in the family’s genealogy, which is why I knew my grandmother’s house in Ireland was called the Bowling Green years before I’d ever visited the country, and why I know that Doran was such a common name in Strabane at one point that my great-great-grandfather Doran married a woman named Doran who had no relation at all. Somehow, I’ve never met a person with my last name, much less plan on marrying one.

Philadelphia also seems to be a city obsessed with its own history, notably its own sports history. It’s an unhealthy and very depressing obsession, since we’re arguably the most tragic sports town of all time. The Phillies have lost more games than any other sports franchise. The Eagles haven’t won a Super Bowl ever, and haven’t won an NFL Championship in 46 years. The Sixers drafted guys like Speedy Claxton, Jumaine Jones, Larry Hughes, Keith Van Horn, Jerry Stackhouse, Sharone Wright, and Shawn Bradley, all of whom were either complete busts or did nothing of note in Philadelphia before being traded away. And that’s just in the past 12 years. The Flyers have the highest winning percentage in all of sports, but they’ve only got two Stanley Cups to show for it, and they both happened about 30 years ago. Most hardcore Philadelphia sports fans know all these facts already, which is why it’s easy to see that the obsession is unhealthy and very depressing.

Based on Philadelphia’s sick fixation on its tragic history, sports or otherwise (and I could go on about the other stuff, too, but I’ll spare you), I don’t know if my pride comes from my father’s genes or my social upbringing. I know it’s not my mother’s genes, since everyone in the Walsh family tends to make fun of each other.

My pride is so intense, however, that I just experienced something completely new to me. I just got teary-eyed (which almost never happens, I assure you) reading about Richie Ashburn.

In case you’re not familiar with Richie Ashburn, he was a Hall of Famer for the Phillies and a long-time broadcaster for the team until he died in 1997.

I was only about 12 years old when he died, so I really don’t remember him very specifically, except remembering the sound of his voice in 1993 Phillies retrospects, or recalling a story Harry Kalas told when he got inducted into the Hall of Fame.

[For the sake of accuracy, I consulted the internet to find this story from Harry’s induction speech, and Jayson Stark gets paid to say stuff a lot better than I ever could, so here’s an excerpt from his story on Harry’s induction.]

And he paid homage to his partner one more time during his speech, with a hilarious story about how Ashburn, on nights the games dragged a little long, used to wonder aloud on air "if the people from Celebre's Pizza are listening."

"And sure enough," Kalas said. "Fifteen minutes later, we'd have pizzas being delivered up to the booth."

But after this had gone on awhile, Kalas reported, Ashburn was called into the office and reminded that Celebre's Pizza wasn't a sponsor, so he couldn't keep plugging them for free. It was OK to do birthdays and anniversaries, but no more free plugs.

A few days later, though, another Phillies game refused to end. So Ashburn abruptly delivered an unexpected birthday greeting.

"I'd like to send out very special birthday wishes tonight," he said, "to the Celebre's twins -- Plain and Pepperoni.”

Find anyone who’s been a Phillies fan for the past 30 years and they could probably recount a story about Richie Ashburn similar to that one. He was loved by the city, and for good reason.

The reason I bring him up is that I’m currently reading Bill James’ Historical Baseball Abstract, and reading the story about Ashburn just made me beam with pride. I never watched him play, obviously, but James’ description portrays him as the perfect Philadelphia athlete—always running full-speed, always wanting to win, and always having a sense of humor.

Besides those qualities, he was also a tremendous person. James says his favorite Ashburn story happened when Richie hit a foul ball into the stands and hit a woman. Concerned, he stepped out of the box and watched to make sure the medics could revive her. As soon as they did, he stepped back in the box and hit another foul ball—right at the woman. After the game he visited her in the hospital, took her to meet the team, and became friends with her. They corresponded for the rest of his life.

Stories like that are what make me wish I had a better memory, one that could recall my favorite Richie Ashburn moment. It must take a great person to bring to tears a guy who doesn’t remember him.

3.03.2006

World Baseball Classic

Major League Baseball is trying to start baseball's version of the World Cup this year, and frankly, I couldn't be more excited. I'm a huge fan of international competition in actual sports (sorry, Winter Olympics), so this is right up my alley. I don't even like watching soccer on TV, but if it's the World Cup, I'll watch it. Hell, I even watched the first Women's World Cup final...you know, the one where Brandi Chastain took off her shirt after scoring the game-winning shootout goal. I had a thing for Mia Hamm.

Anywho, back to the point--international competition is always exciting. For the U.S., it's kind of like asserting our status as the greatest country in the world. For the other countries, it's kind of like making the statement that, even though they can't compete with us economically or politically, they can still pull off an upset athletically. And I have a natural disposition towards the underdog, so when I'm disappointed with the U.S. program in a certain sport, it's fun to root against my own country (see the 2004 Summer Olympic USA Basketball Team).

The tournament started last night in Japan with a game between South Korea and Chinese Taipei. Korea was the favorite, having a whopping five MLB players on the roster. Taiwan is better known for using ringers in the Little League World Series. Too bad for them, Barry Bonds doesn't look the least bit Asian. Right now I'm watching the second game, between Japan (the favorite in this pool) and China (the underdog). Japan has the most major leaguers of any of the Asian teams, including my favorite baseball player in the world, Ichiro Suzuki. He might be the best pure hitter in baseball history, given the pitching competition he's going against.

I'd like to root for the U.S. the whole way, but truth be told, I genuinely dislike a lot of the players on the U.S. team. Not to mention it would be foolish to root for just one team when every team features something to root for. Let's take a look at the coolest qualities of each team in the WBC.

Australia
Australia has baseball? Could have fooled me. They don't feature a single player whose name I recognize, though according to ESPN.com they have a handful of major leaguers on the team. The only compelling thing about this team is that I just discovered Australia has baseball, though in their variation they probably have full-contact double play break-ups, and you have to chug a Foster's for every base you reach.

Canada
Contrary to popular belief, Canadians play sports other than hockey. In fact, the team does have some good talent, including the only home run derby participant not to hit a homer last year, Jason Bay, as well as 1999 Mullet of the Year winner Matt Stairs, who according to his ESPN.com profile is 5'9" and 215 pounds. Now I don't feel so bad about my weight problem. Canadians are pretty much the most likeable people in the world, so if you can't get excited for a team with guys named Pierre-Luc LaForest and Rheal Cormier, you might want to check your pulse, eh?

China
I've already mentioned these guys, but there are two hilarious things about them. First, among the 30 guys on the roster, there are only 15 different last names. I guess when you have two billion people in your country, you're going to have a shortage of last names, but seriously, China...come on. The other hilarious thing about China is that their manager is Jim Lefebvre. I wonder if Chad Lewis is his bench coach.

Chinese Taipei
Again, there is a severe shortage of last names on this team. But this little fact stumps all the rest: one of the players plays for a team called the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. If that's not intimidation, I don't know what is.

Cuba
I'm rooting for Cuba because they've been unfairly treated by the U.S. in this whole process. George Bush actually tried to get them banned from the competition. Didn't this shit all end when the USSR went down? For Christ's sakes, Cuba's not even a Communist country. They're socialist, which is completely different. Sure, Fidel Castro might be a bastard, but he's also a guy with an intense pride for his nation. Remember when Elian Gonzalez got captured and it was decided that he'd go back to live with his father in Cuba? If it was so bad over there, why wouldn't he be forced to stay? This U.S.-Cuba "rivalry" is so fucking stupid. It stems from a political snafu that only exists because of some overzealous American imperialists in the early 20th century.

[/political rant]

Dominican Republic
The roster hasn't been finalized yet, but how can I root against a team that will likely have Jose "Macho Man" Mesa and Placido "Gazebo" Polanco? The team has had some setbacks with Pedro Martinez and Vladimir Guerrero taking themselves out of the WBC, but overall they have probably the best lineup in the competition. It's probably better than the MLB All-Star teams.

Italy
I feel bad rooting for one of the supreme underdogs of the tournament, but this team has fewer Italians than Chinese Taipei. I think almost every player on the team is an American-born dago who wasn't nearly good enough to make the U.S. team. The most noteworthy defector is Mike Piazza, who was born in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and has likely never stepped foot in Italy.

Japan
Like I said, I have to root for any team with Ichiro Suzuki on it. Also, the manager is Sadaharu Oh, the worldwide home run record-holder with over 800 homers in the Japan League. The team also features a Ham Fighter, as well as a bunch of guys who play for the Yakult Swallows. Me love you long time.

Korea
Korea is really just South Korea, since the only game you're allowed to play in North Korea is a test of endurance called Forty Lashings. The team features former Arizona Diamondback and New York hero Byung-Hung Kim, who gave up walk-off homers in two consecutive games during the 2001 World Series. Everyone on the Korean team has three names. If only the U.S. team were so lucky. I'd look forward to hearing what Coco Crisp's middle name is.

Mexico
Despite what you might think, Mexico doesn't have too many big names on its team. It does have 1998 Mullet of the Year winner Vinny Castilla, though, which is enough for me. It will be interesting to see who prevails in the Mexico-Canada game, which will feature "Immigrant Song" during the seventh-inning stretch.

The Netherlands
I'm hoping the team bursts out of the clubhouse in a giant cloud of smoke, but that could be just me. They only have three major leaguers, but they are Andruw Jones, Calvin Maduro (a former Phillie) and Randall Simon, better known as the guy who hit one of the Sausage Racers in the head with a baseball bat. If marijuana isn't on the banned substances list for the WBC, these guys could make some noise.

Panama
Pan-a-ma-ha-ho-ho-ho-hoooo! Who knew Fatass Bruce Chen wasn't Asian? Not me! Turns out he comes from the place only known for three things: pot, canals, and hats. Perhaps the biggest disappointment here is that no one on the team is named Jack. Nonetheless, Panama just seems like a cool country, and I'm pulling for them.

Puerto Rico
The best part about the WBC, perhaps, is the fact that the players will actually care about winning for once. Thus, we're going to see some competitiveness from Pudge Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran and Jose Cruz, Jr. for the first time since their contract years. The team also has Kiko Calero on the pitching staff, and a guy with a name that cool is reason enough to root for any team. (Another thing: apparently Bernie Williams is Puerto Rican. I think that's kind of like an Irishman named Hans.)

South Africa
The only African team, and probably one of the only teams with no minorities on it. The wonders of apartheid!

United States
Like I said, I hate a lot of the guys on this team. But I love pretty much everything about Chase Utley. He's got passion for the game, one of my favorite swings, and he pulls off the soul patch without looking like a gay. In short, what a hottie.

Venezuela
Finally! Managed by the immortal Luis Sojo, this team's got some talent. They were picked by the ESPN.com "experts" to win the tournament. Most importantly of all, they've got more Phillies than any other team with three (pre-finalization of the roster): Bobby Abreu, Endy Chavez, and Tomas "Simply the Best Bench Player I Have Ever Seen" Perez. Bobby's the only lock to make the team, but I'm sure if Ugie Urbina was able to play, he'd be killer out of the bullpen. I'll pause for laughter. Frankly, I like this team more than any other, mostly because I know the guys will play their hardest. The Venezuelans have a great sense of pride and they may be overlooked since they haven't been a baseball powerhouse for a very long time.

So there are your World Baseball Classic teams. As I type this, Japan and China are headed to the bottom of the 5th and I have only one thing to say: ICHIROOOOOO!!!!