Facebook Has Ruined Me

I'm in love with a 17-year-old soon to be graduating senior in high school. I've never met her, and now she's going to college in New York. This is how Can't Hardly Wait started, right?

For a person as disorganized as I am, I'm very systematic. I do things in segments. I micromanage. I analyze the most efficient way of doing something, and I do it that way. If I'm walking somewhere, I try to walk diagonally as much as possible to save myself mere seconds.

The Internet features lots of methods for systematically matching yourself with a person of the opposite sex. Usually involved in the proceedings are some questions about religion, politics, sense of humor, physical attributes, and so on. They never ask about your favorite bands, which is fucking stupid. The only thing I look for in a woman is how good her taste in music is. I'm dead serious. Must Love Beatles. Must Love Weezer. Must Love Lamp.

Generally, I've found I'm smitten with any girl who can talk to me about music, regardless of what she looks like. Generally, she looks amazing and I want to marry her. Also, she is either a good dancer or doesn't care that she can't dance and dances anyway.

Why is this so damned important? Well, for starters, if you can't talk to me about music or football or baseball, you're going to find me boring. I can ramble about stuff like it ain't no thang, but usually my rambling is a sign that I don't know shit. I talk until I get some look of recognition from my counterpart(s), taking that as a signal that I actually do know what I'm talking about. Then I get out while I can, leaving on a high note.

Secondly, all relationships, romantic or otherwise, are based on communication. If two people can't talk to each other, they're not going to continue that relationship exclusively. Therefore, since my life revolves around music--I relate everything to it--a potential (new) best friend or girlfriend has to know something about it.

Is this shallow? Probably. I don't even know what shallow means, really. If you're not shallow, you have zero standards. I don't get it. People have priorities, things they look for, are attracted to, in another person. Some people go for big tits, I go for music aptitude. Un-shallow people by definition go for living creatures.

I'm shallow, because I'm going for this girl that I've never met with the "Martha My Dear" away message and the Anchorman references in her Facebook profile. Also, she is stunning.

I wonder if she likes brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts.

Random Thoughts While Standing in the Wonder of Astral Weeks for the 1349th Time

Channels that need to exist, or if they do exist, Comcast needs to pick them up, or if Comcast already features them, my dad needs to begin subscribing to them:

• A 24-hour Poker channel.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "Who would want to watch all that poker?" The answer is "Me." If there is poker on TV, I will watch it. And I know I'm not the only one, because I am friends with a lot of compulsive gamblers.

In a media studies class I took this past semester, we learned about "high density" vs. "low density" advertising. High density advertising appeals to a very limited amount of people, while low density appeals to many many people. For example, The Golf Channel has a lot of high density ads, because very few people watch the Golf Channel. However, the people who DO watch the Golf Channel spend lots of money on the products advertised on the channel. An example of low density, on the other hand, for example, would be a Pepsi commercial or something. However, you can see higher density commercials from big companies going on now, too. Like, those fucking stupid McDonald's commercials with the terrible rapping about eating McDonald's, the whole "I'm Lovin' It" thing, or with that "Brown and Bubbly" song in the Diet Pepsi commercial. Those are all appealing to young people, people who like hip-hop, and mostly black people.

Anywho, a poker network would be very high density. And people with gambling problems spend lots of money. What's the issue here?

• An indie-rock music channel.

Same idea here, except that this channel would probably be a failure since indie rock fans only spend lots of money on old Lou Reed records and stuff like that. But the idea is that you play music videos all the time. It's so crazy, it just might work.

• A TV Land-type channel that only shows old Nickelodeon shows (or other shows from that era that appealed to kids).

Featured: Ren and Stimpy, Pete and Pete, Salute Your Shorts, Alex Mack, You Can't Do That On Television, and Saved By the Bell. I'm sure this will happen soon if it hasn't already. As it is, we have SBTB on Adult Swim now, and there's that Nick GAS channel that shows kids' game shows (and is fantastic, by the way).

• A "so bad it's good" movie channel.

This would feature AWFUL movies. Generally, it's the same idea as Mystery Science Theater 3000, except without the commentary. It's MST3K: The Home Game. You have a few cocktails or bong hits, sit down with your friends, and voila--instant entertainment. They could have Jean-Claude Van Damme marathons every so often, and so on. This is a brilliant idea. I'm so proud of myself for inventing this channel.


Okay, basically I'm wondering why I'm not a network executive already right now. So I'm going to consider this for the next two hours while I waste my afternoon playing video games. Until next time, my t-t-tongue gets tiiiiiieeed...every--every--every time I tryyyyy to speak.